Today's lessons, boys and girls:
If someone treats you in a similar vein as those you know to have been dangerous to your emotional well being? Best to let them leave your life as quickly as possible.
Learn your lesson.
Remind yourself why you are letting this person out of your life: Be your own champion and don't play victim if they walk out. If they left before you could get rid of them? Count your blessings.
It may hurt in the moment but believe me when I tell you that the pain will pass and you'll be better off.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Welcoming back
So, it's been almost 4yrs since I posted anything. A lot happened. By that, I mean, my whole world looks nothing like it did 4yrs ago. Divorce, new job, buried my beloved furball, major medical crisis. All that was just in the last 2yrs. Obviously, the lead up to the divorce was going on for several years (mid 2010, but who's counting) and when he abandoned the marriage for his version of greener grass I realized I had been holding my breath for a very long time. Watching someone self destruct is tough duty to be given.
One of the things that I learned after the divorce is that I really give a lot of emotional energy over to situations where I feel like I'm not being heard or that what I have to say isn't being respected. You don't have to agree with me but you also should respect me enough to hear me out. Of course, that's for people who are my friends and family. Anything posted online to public sites has a different set of rules. I figure that if I'm in your life then I deserve to be treated as if you enjoy me being in your life (another lesson from the divorce).
The last couple of years, I have really started to be aware of the people in my life who don't value my contribution to the relationship. Some of those people are new friends, some of them are long term friends and some of them are family members. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, myself for allowing any new people into my life who don't appreciate me or those long term friends who think they can treat me like I'm disposable.
I see this in society around me, especially during this presidential season. There is this idea that if someone doesn't agree with you that you can then treat them as if they are not worth common courtesy. It's distressing. Some of the nicest people in my world turn into huge creeps when there is a clash of opinions.
All this to say: be nice to one another. When someone you know and love says something that makes you want to rip your hair out, remember that your opinion likely makes them want to do the same and how would you like them to treat you? If you treat them like that? You've made your contribution to making the world a better place for everyone.
One of the things that I learned after the divorce is that I really give a lot of emotional energy over to situations where I feel like I'm not being heard or that what I have to say isn't being respected. You don't have to agree with me but you also should respect me enough to hear me out. Of course, that's for people who are my friends and family. Anything posted online to public sites has a different set of rules. I figure that if I'm in your life then I deserve to be treated as if you enjoy me being in your life (another lesson from the divorce).
The last couple of years, I have really started to be aware of the people in my life who don't value my contribution to the relationship. Some of those people are new friends, some of them are long term friends and some of them are family members. I don't know who I'm more disappointed in, myself for allowing any new people into my life who don't appreciate me or those long term friends who think they can treat me like I'm disposable.
I see this in society around me, especially during this presidential season. There is this idea that if someone doesn't agree with you that you can then treat them as if they are not worth common courtesy. It's distressing. Some of the nicest people in my world turn into huge creeps when there is a clash of opinions.
All this to say: be nice to one another. When someone you know and love says something that makes you want to rip your hair out, remember that your opinion likely makes them want to do the same and how would you like them to treat you? If you treat them like that? You've made your contribution to making the world a better place for everyone.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Drama and her friends
Life is much too short to bring other people's drama or pain or chaos into your life. Your heart can break with them or you can feel sympathy or even empathy for them. However, to bring that into your own world and your own soul? Why? I may seem cruel or heartless, but truly, what purpose does it serve? How are you a better person for it? How does it enrich your life? Granted, not all moments work towards making you a better person, but if you are going to put so much of your emotional energy into something, make it count!
So, here is the example:
Tragedy strikes an unknown person or group of persons (like a plane crash) and you see the anguished families on the TV. You may tear up. You may feel your chest tighten and your stomach may knot up. You have a choice at that point. Say a prayer, send a blessing, make a wish for better for them, whatever your faith dictates . . . or . . . absorb this situation to the extent that you find yourself in the middle of it. Not really in the middle of it because you aren't a friend or wife or mother or sibling to the person/s struck by tragedy. You are, perhaps, as close as living in the same town. Maybe you live in the same metropolitan area. Maybe those people come from your home state. Regardless, you have no actual tie to the family and friends. This situation, while sad, is not in your realm of life.
The first choice, to say that prayer, leads to you being more aware of your surroundings or thinking twice about buying a product or taking a different route on a trip. You are safer. You expand your world a little because you are seeing a different part of the world by taking the surface roads home instead of staying on the freeway. For example, we lived in the DC area when the DC sniper was around. My job had me working hours that put me at risk of being at a gas station during the times that some of those shootings were taking place. We didn't know if the shooter was targeting people or randomly picking victims. I changed where I got my gas in the evenings so as to never be at the same place twice in case he was casing places. I also became very aware of my surroundings while pumping. When was the last time you really took in your surroundings while you wait for the gas pump to finish filling your tank? I saw neighborhoods that I never would have seen as I drove to find a different gas station at midnight. Found stores that I never knew existed. I could be scared of being shot or I could make it into a game for myself. My heart went out to the families of those taken unexpectedly by madmen. However, I wasn't going to let that turn into a fear that would grip me and make it impossible for me to leave the house. I had co-workers that made their husband gas up their cars because they were terrified. The thought of leaving home to get groceries caused them panic.
The second choice, to absorb it and take it in as if it was actually happening to you and your family, leads to where? to what? I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on TV, so lets look at this for a moment. You see the crying mother and you look at your own child and fear for her safety so you never let her out of the house unless you can control the situation. You see the crying wife and are terrified every moment of the day that your husband is out of the house. You see the crying teenagers and even tho you never met that teenager who paid the consequences of his decisions with his life, you let that sadness settle into your soul and you mourn alone (remember, you aren't actually living this sad moment with them) and you cry tears for the loss and you spend the next several days in a funk. Are you a better person for that? Or did you just lose a week of your and your family's life? Did you just miss out on your own life because you let someone else's tragedy so far into your life that you blurred the line of reality and reality TV (aka, the newcast). If the situation caused you to go to those unknown people with kind words and a casserole or to make a donation to a cause that would honor the dead? Awesome! You have turned this tragedy into a blessing for someone. You have moved outside of yourself. If, instead, you mope around and never move past the thoughts in your own head? Take a good hard look at what you sacrificed for someone else's tragedy. Did your spouse need your attention but you were too preoccupied? Did your kids need help with their homework but you were too sad? Did your boss consider you for a big project that may have lead to a promotion but you were a space cadet at work and he gave it to the person in the cubicle next to you? Did you get mad at God for His "unfairness"? Are you willing to risk your faith in God over someone else's tragedy?
Never let any tragedy not touch you, touch your soul. Always be open to the impact and be ready to think about how you can bless those who are actually touched by that sadness. Those who see others pain and laugh are a subject for another post (but I think it's an off shoot of the second choice) and I would never suggest that was healthy either. However, if you are going to make this internal and you are going to sacrifice so much of yourself, I recommend that you grow from it. Learn from it. Be a better person for it.
That's the heavy part of this. The "lighter" side are the people in our lives who are just drama and we absorb that into our days. Why? Does letting that other person's drama into our lives make us better? stronger? a blessing to them? 99% of the time, an unqualified NO! They wallow in their drama for the attention they get, positive or negative. Somewhere in their lives they were not taught to differentiate between seeking healthy attention and just having someone, anyone's attention. You respond, thinking that maybe there is something you can do to help. You are a good person, you have good intentions. You can fulfill that part of your friend that seems to be lacking!! HAHA!! and now you are Drama's friend. You go home and tell your husband of this or that and how upsetting the situation is. "How can her husband do that to her!" If your husband is like mine, he responds with, "that's horrible!" and then only remembers it for later so that he's not so lost in the conversation when you pick it back up again mid-thought. You lay in bed and get angry FOR your friend. You are at work and thinking of ways to encourage your friend and help her feel better. You are putting so much emotional energy into Drama's drama that you fail to realize that it's a.) not your drama and b.) she's on to her next drama. She may even tell you, without a hint of irony, "oh please, I'm past that!" and then tell you about the next bit of drama that is going on. You are exhausted. You can't keep up with her. At first you try. If you are a glutton for punishment, you keep trying. If you are half a step a head of your younger self, you catch yourself at that point and think, "I've been popping rolaids because my stomach is so knotted up over HER situation and for what??"
And that's exactly my point: For what? If you aren't better for it, why did you let that drama into your life? Never feel regret when you put up walls between you and drama. Believe me when I tell you, drama has plenty of friends and you need not worry about her ever being lonely.
So, here is the example:
Tragedy strikes an unknown person or group of persons (like a plane crash) and you see the anguished families on the TV. You may tear up. You may feel your chest tighten and your stomach may knot up. You have a choice at that point. Say a prayer, send a blessing, make a wish for better for them, whatever your faith dictates . . . or . . . absorb this situation to the extent that you find yourself in the middle of it. Not really in the middle of it because you aren't a friend or wife or mother or sibling to the person/s struck by tragedy. You are, perhaps, as close as living in the same town. Maybe you live in the same metropolitan area. Maybe those people come from your home state. Regardless, you have no actual tie to the family and friends. This situation, while sad, is not in your realm of life.
The first choice, to say that prayer, leads to you being more aware of your surroundings or thinking twice about buying a product or taking a different route on a trip. You are safer. You expand your world a little because you are seeing a different part of the world by taking the surface roads home instead of staying on the freeway. For example, we lived in the DC area when the DC sniper was around. My job had me working hours that put me at risk of being at a gas station during the times that some of those shootings were taking place. We didn't know if the shooter was targeting people or randomly picking victims. I changed where I got my gas in the evenings so as to never be at the same place twice in case he was casing places. I also became very aware of my surroundings while pumping. When was the last time you really took in your surroundings while you wait for the gas pump to finish filling your tank? I saw neighborhoods that I never would have seen as I drove to find a different gas station at midnight. Found stores that I never knew existed. I could be scared of being shot or I could make it into a game for myself. My heart went out to the families of those taken unexpectedly by madmen. However, I wasn't going to let that turn into a fear that would grip me and make it impossible for me to leave the house. I had co-workers that made their husband gas up their cars because they were terrified. The thought of leaving home to get groceries caused them panic.
The second choice, to absorb it and take it in as if it was actually happening to you and your family, leads to where? to what? I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on TV, so lets look at this for a moment. You see the crying mother and you look at your own child and fear for her safety so you never let her out of the house unless you can control the situation. You see the crying wife and are terrified every moment of the day that your husband is out of the house. You see the crying teenagers and even tho you never met that teenager who paid the consequences of his decisions with his life, you let that sadness settle into your soul and you mourn alone (remember, you aren't actually living this sad moment with them) and you cry tears for the loss and you spend the next several days in a funk. Are you a better person for that? Or did you just lose a week of your and your family's life? Did you just miss out on your own life because you let someone else's tragedy so far into your life that you blurred the line of reality and reality TV (aka, the newcast). If the situation caused you to go to those unknown people with kind words and a casserole or to make a donation to a cause that would honor the dead? Awesome! You have turned this tragedy into a blessing for someone. You have moved outside of yourself. If, instead, you mope around and never move past the thoughts in your own head? Take a good hard look at what you sacrificed for someone else's tragedy. Did your spouse need your attention but you were too preoccupied? Did your kids need help with their homework but you were too sad? Did your boss consider you for a big project that may have lead to a promotion but you were a space cadet at work and he gave it to the person in the cubicle next to you? Did you get mad at God for His "unfairness"? Are you willing to risk your faith in God over someone else's tragedy?
Never let any tragedy not touch you, touch your soul. Always be open to the impact and be ready to think about how you can bless those who are actually touched by that sadness. Those who see others pain and laugh are a subject for another post (but I think it's an off shoot of the second choice) and I would never suggest that was healthy either. However, if you are going to make this internal and you are going to sacrifice so much of yourself, I recommend that you grow from it. Learn from it. Be a better person for it.
That's the heavy part of this. The "lighter" side are the people in our lives who are just drama and we absorb that into our days. Why? Does letting that other person's drama into our lives make us better? stronger? a blessing to them? 99% of the time, an unqualified NO! They wallow in their drama for the attention they get, positive or negative. Somewhere in their lives they were not taught to differentiate between seeking healthy attention and just having someone, anyone's attention. You respond, thinking that maybe there is something you can do to help. You are a good person, you have good intentions. You can fulfill that part of your friend that seems to be lacking!! HAHA!! and now you are Drama's friend. You go home and tell your husband of this or that and how upsetting the situation is. "How can her husband do that to her!" If your husband is like mine, he responds with, "that's horrible!" and then only remembers it for later so that he's not so lost in the conversation when you pick it back up again mid-thought. You lay in bed and get angry FOR your friend. You are at work and thinking of ways to encourage your friend and help her feel better. You are putting so much emotional energy into Drama's drama that you fail to realize that it's a.) not your drama and b.) she's on to her next drama. She may even tell you, without a hint of irony, "oh please, I'm past that!" and then tell you about the next bit of drama that is going on. You are exhausted. You can't keep up with her. At first you try. If you are a glutton for punishment, you keep trying. If you are half a step a head of your younger self, you catch yourself at that point and think, "I've been popping rolaids because my stomach is so knotted up over HER situation and for what??"
And that's exactly my point: For what? If you aren't better for it, why did you let that drama into your life? Never feel regret when you put up walls between you and drama. Believe me when I tell you, drama has plenty of friends and you need not worry about her ever being lonely.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Chaos in action
I didn't name this blog on a whim. It's something I had thought about for a good long time. People keep telling me I need to write a book about all my experiences and I really am not sure I'm an author of a book, but maybe short stories? Anyways, I had this title tucked away and I thought it was perfect for a blog. Short stories, on my own time, in my own words. It fit. I'm not great with posting like some of these other bloggers. Once it becomes an assignment I'm not sure I'd do anything with it.
However, the title comes from how it felt/feels to survive my family. My inner teenager is pretty mad that once I got to be an adult that I couldn't just write off the people in my life who caused me the most grief. I had dreams of saying ciao. Never looking back, just walking forward and being a lot healthier then I had been raised to be. That's a short and harsh version of how I thought as a teenager. I was one bent out of shape 16yr old when I left home. I'm older now and I know that things aren't that simple. Still, at this age, I get reminded of how I don't always make the right decisions and that the consequences to not making the right decision can still come back to bite me in the backside. I mean, tell the truth, we all think we are going to grow up into strong and independent adults who will rock this world with our awesomeness! If we didn't think that then we'd never make it thru our teen years! What would be the point??
So, in the course of a week the consequences of one decision came back to haunt me and the consequences of not doing something came back to haunt me. The blessing is that the later happened just after the former and so I could laugh about it. I mean, truly, God has a sense of humor and He will absolutely let you feel the consequences of your decisions when He knows you will learn from it. If you aren't feeling the consequences then that is not a good thing.
Over the course of 4 days a 20+ year friendship came to a crash. I mean, it had been dead for a few years but I just didn't have the heart to handle it the way my husband had suggested. Not because I'm super awesome and all that, but because I don't enjoy conflict. I will sometimes avoid it, to my detriment. And by "dead for a few years" I'm talking almost a decade. At the point that you are told that in order for the friendship to continue that you have to be someone you are not? The friendship no longer exists. Friends don't ask their friends to be someone they are not. Who I was was not good enough and so I better shape up or else! I am not mistaken on this because I thought I was and so I clarified. A couple of times. This threat came up more than once. (The paraphrased version of the conversation went something like this: "Are you serious????", "Yes!", "I have to subject myself to abuse or else?", "Yes") However, in the mean time I have married a man who encourages me to be who I am, to be a better version of myself, and to stand up for myself. I began to see how pathetic the situation had grown. That's when I felt stuck. There is no clean exit. I hate that.
Long story short is that I unintentionally did exactly what I had been repeatedly told not to do and this time I didn't back down. I didn't behave like a naughty child with my head down, all the while fuming inside. I'd like to say that I finally decided to stand my ground. I'd like to say that I behaved nobly. Nah, I had had enough and I gave back what I had gotten. Then, I was going to calm down and back down like I always do but my husband had enough and HE put his foot down and demanded that I stop acting like a child. Fair enough. "If they aren't going to respect your friendship why are you still around?". That poor man never thought too highly of me when I cowered. I don't blame him. I didn't feel too good about myself when I allowed someone to walk all over me and not say something about it. When I realized, in a room full of 4 adults that 3 of us were trying hard to keep the other calm and sane that's when my anger turned to disgust.
So, blah blah blah, ugly words and angry feelings and I felt better when it was done. Did I get the final word? No, and thats just fine. Chaos and drama gone. I don't need the last word.
On the heels of that comes the kid brother! He's going to do what he always does. I'm sick of it and have been for years. However, he's family and for my mom's sake I just lay low. I avoid him whenever possible. However, this time I'm fresh off of the whole, "Wow, that felt good" about the conclusion of the other situation. This time I spoke my mind. Not all of it because if I were to really tell him what I think of the person he is then that would start a war and he's not worth that kind of energy. He truly isn't. I blocked him and told my mother what happened and told her that I was done putting up with him in my life, regardless of the fact that I'm related to him.
The scary thing is that what these two very different people said to me? They sounded an awful lot alike. The out in the open bully suddenly sounded a lot like the one who tried to hide his strong arm tactics behind "intellect" and "reason". I never would've seen it had these two moments not happened practically on top of each other. A flashback of all the times our mutual friends had taken me aside and said, "I don't like the way he talks/treats you." and I just brushed it off. I mean, I'm not stupid enough to be friends with a bully, right? And at my ripe old age I got schooled on myself.
Whenever life hands you a chance to take a good look at yourself, regardless of if you like it or not, take on the challenge. No one wants to admit to being a coward. That's not cool! However, if it's the truth then better to learn it and grow from it and be better for the lesson. It's the truth and I'm going to remember how freeing it felt when a "friendship" finally came to an end. I'm going to remember how freeing it felt to protect myself from my kid brother. I'm ashamed that I'm this old before I'm ready to tackle it but I'm also feeling very empowered by the prospect that I can learn a lesson in what I'm sure was meant to be a punishment by the other people. I walk away with a clearer view of who has the power to correct me. A#1 on the list? People I respect. #2 on the list: People who respect me. Now, THAT is empowering and really feels good! My inner teenager just high fived me!
However, the title comes from how it felt/feels to survive my family. My inner teenager is pretty mad that once I got to be an adult that I couldn't just write off the people in my life who caused me the most grief. I had dreams of saying ciao. Never looking back, just walking forward and being a lot healthier then I had been raised to be. That's a short and harsh version of how I thought as a teenager. I was one bent out of shape 16yr old when I left home. I'm older now and I know that things aren't that simple. Still, at this age, I get reminded of how I don't always make the right decisions and that the consequences to not making the right decision can still come back to bite me in the backside. I mean, tell the truth, we all think we are going to grow up into strong and independent adults who will rock this world with our awesomeness! If we didn't think that then we'd never make it thru our teen years! What would be the point??
So, in the course of a week the consequences of one decision came back to haunt me and the consequences of not doing something came back to haunt me. The blessing is that the later happened just after the former and so I could laugh about it. I mean, truly, God has a sense of humor and He will absolutely let you feel the consequences of your decisions when He knows you will learn from it. If you aren't feeling the consequences then that is not a good thing.
Over the course of 4 days a 20+ year friendship came to a crash. I mean, it had been dead for a few years but I just didn't have the heart to handle it the way my husband had suggested. Not because I'm super awesome and all that, but because I don't enjoy conflict. I will sometimes avoid it, to my detriment. And by "dead for a few years" I'm talking almost a decade. At the point that you are told that in order for the friendship to continue that you have to be someone you are not? The friendship no longer exists. Friends don't ask their friends to be someone they are not. Who I was was not good enough and so I better shape up or else! I am not mistaken on this because I thought I was and so I clarified. A couple of times. This threat came up more than once. (The paraphrased version of the conversation went something like this: "Are you serious????", "Yes!", "I have to subject myself to abuse or else?", "Yes") However, in the mean time I have married a man who encourages me to be who I am, to be a better version of myself, and to stand up for myself. I began to see how pathetic the situation had grown. That's when I felt stuck. There is no clean exit. I hate that.
Long story short is that I unintentionally did exactly what I had been repeatedly told not to do and this time I didn't back down. I didn't behave like a naughty child with my head down, all the while fuming inside. I'd like to say that I finally decided to stand my ground. I'd like to say that I behaved nobly. Nah, I had had enough and I gave back what I had gotten. Then, I was going to calm down and back down like I always do but my husband had enough and HE put his foot down and demanded that I stop acting like a child. Fair enough. "If they aren't going to respect your friendship why are you still around?". That poor man never thought too highly of me when I cowered. I don't blame him. I didn't feel too good about myself when I allowed someone to walk all over me and not say something about it. When I realized, in a room full of 4 adults that 3 of us were trying hard to keep the other calm and sane that's when my anger turned to disgust.
So, blah blah blah, ugly words and angry feelings and I felt better when it was done. Did I get the final word? No, and thats just fine. Chaos and drama gone. I don't need the last word.
On the heels of that comes the kid brother! He's going to do what he always does. I'm sick of it and have been for years. However, he's family and for my mom's sake I just lay low. I avoid him whenever possible. However, this time I'm fresh off of the whole, "Wow, that felt good" about the conclusion of the other situation. This time I spoke my mind. Not all of it because if I were to really tell him what I think of the person he is then that would start a war and he's not worth that kind of energy. He truly isn't. I blocked him and told my mother what happened and told her that I was done putting up with him in my life, regardless of the fact that I'm related to him.
The scary thing is that what these two very different people said to me? They sounded an awful lot alike. The out in the open bully suddenly sounded a lot like the one who tried to hide his strong arm tactics behind "intellect" and "reason". I never would've seen it had these two moments not happened practically on top of each other. A flashback of all the times our mutual friends had taken me aside and said, "I don't like the way he talks/treats you." and I just brushed it off. I mean, I'm not stupid enough to be friends with a bully, right? And at my ripe old age I got schooled on myself.
Whenever life hands you a chance to take a good look at yourself, regardless of if you like it or not, take on the challenge. No one wants to admit to being a coward. That's not cool! However, if it's the truth then better to learn it and grow from it and be better for the lesson. It's the truth and I'm going to remember how freeing it felt when a "friendship" finally came to an end. I'm going to remember how freeing it felt to protect myself from my kid brother. I'm ashamed that I'm this old before I'm ready to tackle it but I'm also feeling very empowered by the prospect that I can learn a lesson in what I'm sure was meant to be a punishment by the other people. I walk away with a clearer view of who has the power to correct me. A#1 on the list? People I respect. #2 on the list: People who respect me. Now, THAT is empowering and really feels good! My inner teenager just high fived me!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Enbraced
God took us on a path that we weren't thrilled with. WE had hopes and dreams of pregnancy and children and a larger family then the 3 we are now. Husband, wife and a furball. Names were sort of picked out and we laughed about what we'd do if this or that happened during pregnancy. I threatened to not tell him that I was in labor if they were just going to stick me with an IV needle in the hospital. Lots of pseudo plans and warm laughter about what we thought was to come. We prayed, we pleaded, we cried, we prayed. I always felt better when I was praying about it because I wasn't just praying for a baby, I was praying for peace about the whole situation and the grace to accept His will for us, regardless of what that was. Sometimes it's just not a lot of fun to be a "mature" christian. That's just the truth of things. Anyone who tells you different is much too concerned about how they look to you than how they look to God.
We went thru a few drs, went thru a lot of false hope, went thru too many pokes and prods. At a certain point we demanded that the drs level with us. They said that without IVF (which I can't do) that the average age that the body starts to change hormonally is 38. Ok, fair enough. 2 months after my 38th birthday and another cycle ended we formally gave up trying to get pregnant. We invited family and friends to a restaurant to honor the 6.5 years we tried and to remind us and everyone else who had been praying for us that we praise God anyways and thank them for standing with us in prayer. I needed a physical markation of time. I needed a day that we got together to "celebrate" the end of 6 long years. Sure, we didn't have a baby but we had gotten thru it and we were stronger for it. Our marriage was tested and strengthened during that time. I had seen plenty of marriages get shredded and destroyed all for the want of a baby. We had made it thru and were intact and strong.
However, the experience with the drs broke my heart. I was given some of my false hope from them! I wasn't Cyndi and my husband wasn't Tom. We were folders and people to be patted on the head and reassured. More than once I was told to stop thinking about it and it will happen. Well, that's a load of cocky pop because you have to think about it! You are timing things in very specific manners and then they want you to run pregnancy tests on certain days and ovulation tests on certain days. How do you "not think about it"?!? Plus, you could be the calmest person around and still not get pregnant. I explained to them that we were trusting God and that it was His will we were most concerned with and if that meant no pregnancy then that's what it meant. More than one nurse balked at me. The response I got to my faith was NOT encouraging. It was more condescending than anything. I'm the patient and they are the medical team and so they'll just let me have my little speech and nod their head and turn and walk away. I could see in their eyes that they were humoring me. Really NOT encouraging.
One of the times that I walked out of their offices, after having been humored, I saw 3 women sitting in the internal waiting room. I thought, "do these women have a strong enough foundation to survive this without breaking down?" I had that foundation but there were times I just wanted to cry at the attitude I was getting. They meant well but it was as if they were putting a little bit of acid on my floors. The damage was small but over time it would be allowed to cause doubt to invade my faith. My husband and I worked hard to keep each other in reality. Not a false sense of reality, but one that the fertility drs don't really want to talk to you about. Not everyone gets to be pregnant and not everyone who is pregnant gets to birth a healthy and viable baby. It's harsh but it's real.
The drs, however, have a goal. They are working off of percentages and what they see as success. To them the only success is a viable pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end. When a whole field of medicine agrees that there is only version of success? There is something wrong. Desperately wrong. Is that just my opinion? You bet! but I've lived it and so I've earned the right to speak my opinion. If your end result doesn't look like a success to them, what does that mean for you?
My heart broke and I became surrounded by these thoughts. Thoughts about how we were all hoping for a little one to embrace. Thoughts about how, in the middle of all the timing and needles and negative tests that we all could probably use an embrace from our spouse. Thoughts about how our husbands may be looking for an embrace. Thoughts about how we need to embrace our faith or foundation or whatever you want to call it. Thoughts about how, if we aren't able to get pregnant, we may be envisioning the embrace of an adopted little one. Thoughts about how, if we aren't interested in adopting, that there are still children out there that need our embrace, whether they are friend's kids or children in the neighborhood who need a big sister or big brother. So many embraces, so many needs, so many families that need to be embraced in the size and shape they are now. Look around you and see the families who are going thru fertility treatments and remind them that they are awesome just as they are and that, perhaps, a pregnancy isn't the only version of success ahead of them. Ya know, if they are ready to hear that. I'm ready. Are you?
We went thru a few drs, went thru a lot of false hope, went thru too many pokes and prods. At a certain point we demanded that the drs level with us. They said that without IVF (which I can't do) that the average age that the body starts to change hormonally is 38. Ok, fair enough. 2 months after my 38th birthday and another cycle ended we formally gave up trying to get pregnant. We invited family and friends to a restaurant to honor the 6.5 years we tried and to remind us and everyone else who had been praying for us that we praise God anyways and thank them for standing with us in prayer. I needed a physical markation of time. I needed a day that we got together to "celebrate" the end of 6 long years. Sure, we didn't have a baby but we had gotten thru it and we were stronger for it. Our marriage was tested and strengthened during that time. I had seen plenty of marriages get shredded and destroyed all for the want of a baby. We had made it thru and were intact and strong.
However, the experience with the drs broke my heart. I was given some of my false hope from them! I wasn't Cyndi and my husband wasn't Tom. We were folders and people to be patted on the head and reassured. More than once I was told to stop thinking about it and it will happen. Well, that's a load of cocky pop because you have to think about it! You are timing things in very specific manners and then they want you to run pregnancy tests on certain days and ovulation tests on certain days. How do you "not think about it"?!? Plus, you could be the calmest person around and still not get pregnant. I explained to them that we were trusting God and that it was His will we were most concerned with and if that meant no pregnancy then that's what it meant. More than one nurse balked at me. The response I got to my faith was NOT encouraging. It was more condescending than anything. I'm the patient and they are the medical team and so they'll just let me have my little speech and nod their head and turn and walk away. I could see in their eyes that they were humoring me. Really NOT encouraging.
One of the times that I walked out of their offices, after having been humored, I saw 3 women sitting in the internal waiting room. I thought, "do these women have a strong enough foundation to survive this without breaking down?" I had that foundation but there were times I just wanted to cry at the attitude I was getting. They meant well but it was as if they were putting a little bit of acid on my floors. The damage was small but over time it would be allowed to cause doubt to invade my faith. My husband and I worked hard to keep each other in reality. Not a false sense of reality, but one that the fertility drs don't really want to talk to you about. Not everyone gets to be pregnant and not everyone who is pregnant gets to birth a healthy and viable baby. It's harsh but it's real.
The drs, however, have a goal. They are working off of percentages and what they see as success. To them the only success is a viable pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end. When a whole field of medicine agrees that there is only version of success? There is something wrong. Desperately wrong. Is that just my opinion? You bet! but I've lived it and so I've earned the right to speak my opinion. If your end result doesn't look like a success to them, what does that mean for you?
My heart broke and I became surrounded by these thoughts. Thoughts about how we were all hoping for a little one to embrace. Thoughts about how, in the middle of all the timing and needles and negative tests that we all could probably use an embrace from our spouse. Thoughts about how our husbands may be looking for an embrace. Thoughts about how we need to embrace our faith or foundation or whatever you want to call it. Thoughts about how, if we aren't able to get pregnant, we may be envisioning the embrace of an adopted little one. Thoughts about how, if we aren't interested in adopting, that there are still children out there that need our embrace, whether they are friend's kids or children in the neighborhood who need a big sister or big brother. So many embraces, so many needs, so many families that need to be embraced in the size and shape they are now. Look around you and see the families who are going thru fertility treatments and remind them that they are awesome just as they are and that, perhaps, a pregnancy isn't the only version of success ahead of them. Ya know, if they are ready to hear that. I'm ready. Are you?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Green Grass
They say that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but we knew we were living without grass while we were in Virginia. We had a dirt plot. Very little grew and lot of what did grow were weeds. Around us we saw lovely lawns and gardens flourishing and blossoming. It makes you think that perhaps you aren't doing something right. You ask the head gardener, "hey, what do I need to add" and the answer, time after time, was "Ask me tomorrow". Being a human creation, well, that means that my patience wears thin. Where is my direction? My encouragement? Where is the relief? Whenever the smallest little plant would sprout up and start to bloom we would turn our attention towards it. At first we gave too much attention. We begged and pleaded for it to grow. Dumped fertilizer on it. Drowned it in water. Too much. Then we became jaded and we didn't want our hearts broken by another failure and so we didn't give enough attention to those tiny plants. Finally, after being told all those times, "Ask me tomorrow" we started to see a pattern. We were getting a glimpse of the head gardener's reason and plan. It wasn't our favorite idea but we saw a purpose. The next plants that sprouted up, despite our frustrations, we approached a little cautiously but with gardening tools in hand. A little fertilizer, a little more water, a little space to stretch it's leaves and petals. We turned to the head gardener to check the progress. Not as often as we should have, if truth be told. We got a little focused on these plants. It had been so long since we had seen anything growing in our little dirt plot. Still, the head gardener beckoned us back for more guidance. Reminding us that our attention alone wasn't going to make those plants grow. We needed to come back for encouragement and teaching from him. Plus, it gives us a little distance to really see the plant for what it was trying to become. It's amazing when you think one thing is growing and you turn around and find that it's taken a turn into something else entirely.
I had asked the head gardener many times why we needed to only have a barely growing plot instead of the thriving and lush gardens and yards we saw around us. More than once, he took me for a walk thru those other yards. Showed me weeds and bare patches that I couldn't see from my yard. Some yards were only growing along the fence and had barren spots in the center. I worried. What did my yard say about us? The head gardener chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we continued on. He said that the difference was that I wanted something to grow and came to him for help. Those people were very diligent in fostering growth where others could see and never asked him for help with the rest. While they were concerned that it look beautiful from the outside, he was more concerned with the entire yard. Still, I worried.
"Child, this will all make sense in due time but you are where you are for a reason and I wouldn't have you any other place"
This didn't make me happy, exactly. I mean, I'm glad to know that I wasn't some how falling behind but to know that all that work was only ever going to amount to this? That seemed frustrating and pointless.
Still, going back to the head gardener helped my husband and I to learn how to work together, as a team. We learned so much more since our attentions, mostly, were on what he was showing us and not what we had accomplished. We learned to trust his judgement over our fears. We learned to take the gardening tools he gave us and use them as instructed. It didn't always make sense but we did it anyways.
Then, one day, the head gardener came around and said that since we had been faithful with what he had given us that he would like us to work a new plot of land. I felt unworthy now. I felt like I hadn't proven myself at all worthy of any gifts. I felt like an ungrateful child who whined and complained. Again, he chuckled at me. Reminded me that if I kept worrying that I'd miss the task ahead.
There was a task ahead? Now he had my attention. He moved us to a plot that hasn't been worked yet. It's growing stuff but we aren't sure what's in here. Some of it lush and some of it brown. It seems overwhelming but then I heard a small voice behind me, "Ask me tomorrow".
I will.
I had asked the head gardener many times why we needed to only have a barely growing plot instead of the thriving and lush gardens and yards we saw around us. More than once, he took me for a walk thru those other yards. Showed me weeds and bare patches that I couldn't see from my yard. Some yards were only growing along the fence and had barren spots in the center. I worried. What did my yard say about us? The head gardener chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we continued on. He said that the difference was that I wanted something to grow and came to him for help. Those people were very diligent in fostering growth where others could see and never asked him for help with the rest. While they were concerned that it look beautiful from the outside, he was more concerned with the entire yard. Still, I worried.
"Child, this will all make sense in due time but you are where you are for a reason and I wouldn't have you any other place"
This didn't make me happy, exactly. I mean, I'm glad to know that I wasn't some how falling behind but to know that all that work was only ever going to amount to this? That seemed frustrating and pointless.
Still, going back to the head gardener helped my husband and I to learn how to work together, as a team. We learned so much more since our attentions, mostly, were on what he was showing us and not what we had accomplished. We learned to trust his judgement over our fears. We learned to take the gardening tools he gave us and use them as instructed. It didn't always make sense but we did it anyways.
Then, one day, the head gardener came around and said that since we had been faithful with what he had given us that he would like us to work a new plot of land. I felt unworthy now. I felt like I hadn't proven myself at all worthy of any gifts. I felt like an ungrateful child who whined and complained. Again, he chuckled at me. Reminded me that if I kept worrying that I'd miss the task ahead.
There was a task ahead? Now he had my attention. He moved us to a plot that hasn't been worked yet. It's growing stuff but we aren't sure what's in here. Some of it lush and some of it brown. It seems overwhelming but then I heard a small voice behind me, "Ask me tomorrow".
I will.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
External Value
I live in an accountant's world. It means that a lot of life comes down to the bottom line. A "what have you done for me lately" kind of existance. I don't fare well here. Never have. Not just in the accountant's world but in the whole "I'm going to keep track and make sure that I have more than you" kind of crap. It's not in the better part of my nature. The dark side of my nature, the one I battle with and end up tuckering myself out over, that one knows this part of life very well.
I am an accountant and so I understand the bottom line but I really have a hard time with the whole, "we need to decimate the other person to prove we are better" that tends to go along with it. What's the point? Where is the value?
I had my final evaluation here at this job. Once again I walked out of the room feeling less than spectacular about myself. 5yrs here and this was the closest I've come to feeling the slightest bit encouraged by the comments. The funny part is that the comments didn't really match up with the numerical value they placed on me. The FUNNIER part is that this was the first year, when I did my self evaluation, that I told them how I feel I do here and didn't try to moderate my value by how I think they see me. I gave myself a 4 out of 5 over all. I think overall I got a 3.5 out of 5 from them. Their comments, however, showed that they thought more of me then what the numbers tell.
And isn't that so true in life . . .
Part of the reason for my rise in self evaluation was because I've got a new job in a few weeks and a new city to live in and loads of things that we have been praying for seem to be coming along now. It's amazing when someone else values you that you value more about yourself. For as old as I am and as much as my head understands the concept, it still amazes me how powerful that effect is. It's stunning and, as I can recently attest to, if not monitored closely can lead to some powerful undermining of one's self. It's crazy!
Let's see, how do I fail others in their eyes
I'll never be the daughter that doesn't make my mom feel like she failed (wait, that's a double whammy)
I'll never be the christian I'm supposed to be (but God loves me anyway so why does it matter to others?)
I'll never be the accountant who gets everything perfect (even the IRS can't agree on a single answer)
I'll never be the Proverbs 31 wife (nope, no funny remarks there)
Except I know that, for the most part, others are too busy with their own lives to worry too terribly much about how I've failed them. However, that's not how it feels in the pit of my chest, when it feels like I'm 15 again and not quite good enough. Too tall to be taken for a kid, not old enough to be taken seriously. I have to remind myself that when I was that age I would look up to people in their 30s and 40s and take them serious. I have to remind myself that most people don't see the internal lack of value I sense and just see me as some person standing in front of them. I do an ok job of shining it on . . . until the evaluations at work come around. They remind me that I don't make everyone happy and that I don't fit in around here. I have yet to figure out how to still shine them on when it's in black and white in front of me.
I'm working on it tho. It's times like these that I very much appreciate the encouragement I get from others. It helps remind me that those other people are not the only people in my life. They remind me that the value assigned by others is not the only value I have, if that's a value I actually have. Maybe it says more about them then about me.
I am an accountant and so I understand the bottom line but I really have a hard time with the whole, "we need to decimate the other person to prove we are better" that tends to go along with it. What's the point? Where is the value?
I had my final evaluation here at this job. Once again I walked out of the room feeling less than spectacular about myself. 5yrs here and this was the closest I've come to feeling the slightest bit encouraged by the comments. The funny part is that the comments didn't really match up with the numerical value they placed on me. The FUNNIER part is that this was the first year, when I did my self evaluation, that I told them how I feel I do here and didn't try to moderate my value by how I think they see me. I gave myself a 4 out of 5 over all. I think overall I got a 3.5 out of 5 from them. Their comments, however, showed that they thought more of me then what the numbers tell.
And isn't that so true in life . . .
Part of the reason for my rise in self evaluation was because I've got a new job in a few weeks and a new city to live in and loads of things that we have been praying for seem to be coming along now. It's amazing when someone else values you that you value more about yourself. For as old as I am and as much as my head understands the concept, it still amazes me how powerful that effect is. It's stunning and, as I can recently attest to, if not monitored closely can lead to some powerful undermining of one's self. It's crazy!
Let's see, how do I fail others in their eyes
I'll never be the daughter that doesn't make my mom feel like she failed (wait, that's a double whammy)
I'll never be the christian I'm supposed to be (but God loves me anyway so why does it matter to others?)
I'll never be the accountant who gets everything perfect (even the IRS can't agree on a single answer)
I'll never be the Proverbs 31 wife (nope, no funny remarks there)
Except I know that, for the most part, others are too busy with their own lives to worry too terribly much about how I've failed them. However, that's not how it feels in the pit of my chest, when it feels like I'm 15 again and not quite good enough. Too tall to be taken for a kid, not old enough to be taken seriously. I have to remind myself that when I was that age I would look up to people in their 30s and 40s and take them serious. I have to remind myself that most people don't see the internal lack of value I sense and just see me as some person standing in front of them. I do an ok job of shining it on . . . until the evaluations at work come around. They remind me that I don't make everyone happy and that I don't fit in around here. I have yet to figure out how to still shine them on when it's in black and white in front of me.
I'm working on it tho. It's times like these that I very much appreciate the encouragement I get from others. It helps remind me that those other people are not the only people in my life. They remind me that the value assigned by others is not the only value I have, if that's a value I actually have. Maybe it says more about them then about me.
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