I didn't name this blog on a whim. It's something I had thought about for a good long time. People keep telling me I need to write a book about all my experiences and I really am not sure I'm an author of a book, but maybe short stories? Anyways, I had this title tucked away and I thought it was perfect for a blog. Short stories, on my own time, in my own words. It fit. I'm not great with posting like some of these other bloggers. Once it becomes an assignment I'm not sure I'd do anything with it.
However, the title comes from how it felt/feels to survive my family. My inner teenager is pretty mad that once I got to be an adult that I couldn't just write off the people in my life who caused me the most grief. I had dreams of saying ciao. Never looking back, just walking forward and being a lot healthier then I had been raised to be. That's a short and harsh version of how I thought as a teenager. I was one bent out of shape 16yr old when I left home. I'm older now and I know that things aren't that simple. Still, at this age, I get reminded of how I don't always make the right decisions and that the consequences to not making the right decision can still come back to bite me in the backside. I mean, tell the truth, we all think we are going to grow up into strong and independent adults who will rock this world with our awesomeness! If we didn't think that then we'd never make it thru our teen years! What would be the point??
So, in the course of a week the consequences of one decision came back to haunt me and the consequences of not doing something came back to haunt me. The blessing is that the later happened just after the former and so I could laugh about it. I mean, truly, God has a sense of humor and He will absolutely let you feel the consequences of your decisions when He knows you will learn from it. If you aren't feeling the consequences then that is not a good thing.
Over the course of 4 days a 20+ year friendship came to a crash. I mean, it had been dead for a few years but I just didn't have the heart to handle it the way my husband had suggested. Not because I'm super awesome and all that, but because I don't enjoy conflict. I will sometimes avoid it, to my detriment. And by "dead for a few years" I'm talking almost a decade. At the point that you are told that in order for the friendship to continue that you have to be someone you are not? The friendship no longer exists. Friends don't ask their friends to be someone they are not. Who I was was not good enough and so I better shape up or else! I am not mistaken on this because I thought I was and so I clarified. A couple of times. This threat came up more than once. (The paraphrased version of the conversation went something like this: "Are you serious????", "Yes!", "I have to subject myself to abuse or else?", "Yes") However, in the mean time I have married a man who encourages me to be who I am, to be a better version of myself, and to stand up for myself. I began to see how pathetic the situation had grown. That's when I felt stuck. There is no clean exit. I hate that.
Long story short is that I unintentionally did exactly what I had been repeatedly told not to do and this time I didn't back down. I didn't behave like a naughty child with my head down, all the while fuming inside. I'd like to say that I finally decided to stand my ground. I'd like to say that I behaved nobly. Nah, I had had enough and I gave back what I had gotten. Then, I was going to calm down and back down like I always do but my husband had enough and HE put his foot down and demanded that I stop acting like a child. Fair enough. "If they aren't going to respect your friendship why are you still around?". That poor man never thought too highly of me when I cowered. I don't blame him. I didn't feel too good about myself when I allowed someone to walk all over me and not say something about it. When I realized, in a room full of 4 adults that 3 of us were trying hard to keep the other calm and sane that's when my anger turned to disgust.
So, blah blah blah, ugly words and angry feelings and I felt better when it was done. Did I get the final word? No, and thats just fine. Chaos and drama gone. I don't need the last word.
On the heels of that comes the kid brother! He's going to do what he always does. I'm sick of it and have been for years. However, he's family and for my mom's sake I just lay low. I avoid him whenever possible. However, this time I'm fresh off of the whole, "Wow, that felt good" about the conclusion of the other situation. This time I spoke my mind. Not all of it because if I were to really tell him what I think of the person he is then that would start a war and he's not worth that kind of energy. He truly isn't. I blocked him and told my mother what happened and told her that I was done putting up with him in my life, regardless of the fact that I'm related to him.
The scary thing is that what these two very different people said to me? They sounded an awful lot alike. The out in the open bully suddenly sounded a lot like the one who tried to hide his strong arm tactics behind "intellect" and "reason". I never would've seen it had these two moments not happened practically on top of each other. A flashback of all the times our mutual friends had taken me aside and said, "I don't like the way he talks/treats you." and I just brushed it off. I mean, I'm not stupid enough to be friends with a bully, right? And at my ripe old age I got schooled on myself.
Whenever life hands you a chance to take a good look at yourself, regardless of if you like it or not, take on the challenge. No one wants to admit to being a coward. That's not cool! However, if it's the truth then better to learn it and grow from it and be better for the lesson. It's the truth and I'm going to remember how freeing it felt when a "friendship" finally came to an end. I'm going to remember how freeing it felt to protect myself from my kid brother. I'm ashamed that I'm this old before I'm ready to tackle it but I'm also feeling very empowered by the prospect that I can learn a lesson in what I'm sure was meant to be a punishment by the other people. I walk away with a clearer view of who has the power to correct me. A#1 on the list? People I respect. #2 on the list: People who respect me. Now, THAT is empowering and really feels good! My inner teenager just high fived me!
