So, our wait was not unfruitful. God has a sense of humor,of that I am certain. Over the course of my life, both just in time and my spiritual life, He likes to remind me that not only is he in control but that He has quite a vivid sense of humor. He also likes to remind us of who we are with AND without Him. Sometimes scary, sometimes just sad. Either way, good to be reminded every now and again.
No no, we aren't pregnant. Put away those celebratory items. Bring out the moving truck celebratory items!! After a long wait, longer for me because I felt like we had our answer last year, we are moving towards a new state. Let the cheering begin!!!! HAZZAH!! Wahoo!! and all that!
My husband recently became unemployed (long story, not worth it) and it was the final message from God he needed to move ahead. Normally I'd be freaked out by this but so far, not so much. I'd still feel better if he just got some kind of "in the mean time" job for the sake of the finances but I know that God will deliver us in whatever fashion He sees fit. Normally we don't go fancy so we aren't in too much need =) We talked and it was decided that who ever got the first job dictated where we'd move. Yeah, I know, sounds real scientific and thought involving. We felt that God was sending us so He'd make a way. We prayed and prayed and I, of course, worried and prayed some more. Then I got a job interview and Tom found out that he'd have to take a test for any law enforcement job he wanted to apply for in FL. So, as it turned out, my formal face-to-face interview took place on the same day as the test for Tom. Tom rocked that test and I accepted a new position. We've got some wonderful friends there who will let me stay with them while Tom finishes prepping the house for renting and then he'll join me. He also just got an acceptance of one of his applications that means he can test for that specific job (on the tests: There is a generic law enforcement test in FL that is required by all jurisdictions and then each jurisdiction or agency can add to that with their own test or whatever).
I leave here in a few weeks and I'm so giddy that I almost don't want to come to work here any more because I just want to go down there now and find a place to live and start the new chapter in our life. I'm ready, so ready, to move on! Obviously I'll keep coming to work and doing my job but for the first time in many, many moons I feel joy again. I know, it's probably just excitement over the new direction we are headed. However, if that's true, then it's the first time in many, many moons that I've felt excitement.
I just find it funny that God used unemployment to get thru to my hubby and a lack of income for the family to bring me excitement. Just goes to prove that he created to very stubborn and hard headed children and it's a good thing we are together and not bothering other people who wouldn't know what to do with us. You are hilarious God!!! Thank you!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thinking back
I am not thrilled that a lot of what I type here is not upbeat and as happy as I sometimes feel. Being in Virginia has been quite difficult for my husband and I. We don't understand the social settings around here and after getting "beaten up" in N. Virginia we made a retreat of sorts to the Virginia Beach area in hopes of happier times. By comparison, the hampton roads area is a better place than Washington DC or N Virginia. That I say with no sarcasm. It is better and calmer and less upsetting. Being big city people, my husband and I thought nothing of moving to the DC area. It's just a new big city. What's the problem?
HA!
Anyways, we got down here and found it to be more agreeable . . . for a time. Since approximately 2006, our time here has been a time of waiting. Waiting to see if we would get pregnant, waiting for a new job for me, waiting for a new career for Tom, waiting for Tom to finish his schooling, more waiting to see if we got pregnant, more waiting for new jobs and careers. Lots of waiting. Not my favorite past time but God uses this time to train us. I understand that. I'm not so great at waiting with joy but He's working on that with me, too. During the pregnancy waiting He honed my skills at accepting His will in our lives. I'm very grateful for that.
I think what makes it so hard to be overly happy here for me is that I am an eternal opptomist. I want to see the brighter side of things. I want to laugh and enjoy my time and what I find is that there is little room to be who I am around here. Loads of stereotypes and loads and assumptions and loads of being reminded of your place (my place around here is as a "yankee" and "outsider" and "weirdo from CA" depending on the situation). I enjoy being from MN. I enjoy having cut my adult teeth in So CA. I am who I am and I am who God is creating me to be. Not good enough for a lot of people around these parts. Which is too bad on so many levels. I keep getting told how much people enjoy spending time with me but then they don't spend time with me. By the time I get into a social setting I'm ready to bust and I have realized that I now just bust out in some sort of attempt to connect with someone, anyone and probably overwhelm some people. I just figured out that last part and will work on it. I want to encourage friends and not scare them away.
I digress . . . .
I am a happy person and it makes me sad that so many people I interact with on very shallow level seem to take it on as their personal mission to insure that their happiness is somehow my responsibility. That if I don't take that on as my personal mission then I am somehow depriving them of their happiness. Being here only encourages my struggles as a type A people pleaser. That is not healthy for me. It's been 10 long years of walking around on egg shells and it's time to move on. I find, tho, that when I start to encourage myself to BE myself that it alienates more people. So, either me and my happiness don't fit in around here or a ton of people in So CA have low standards in their friends. While the last part amuses me to put that in writing? I'm pretty sure it's the former. Which makes me sad.
However, if I'm supposed to be who God made me to be, maybe it's time I start being that person and stop trying to be who they want me to be around here. Now, who is that person? I have grown lots since I left CA but I suspect that I need to think back to CA to remember the person I was as a foundation of where to start. It was nice to have friends who wanted to spend time with me. I miss that. Even if being who God wants me to be means having no friends out here, well, so be it. God didn't promise an easy life, he actually promised troubles and strife. I am not of this world and so there will be troubles and strife. Having such a non-existant social life for almost 10yrs has been an incredible hardship. If I lose the social interaction of people who don't really want to be socially interactive with me, what have I truly lost? I've lost falseness. That will initially feel like a loss but it will actually be a gain in the long run.
So, wow, 10yrs back . . . . can I remember back that far? Oh yes, yes I can and here comes my smile. *happy sigh*
HA!
Anyways, we got down here and found it to be more agreeable . . . for a time. Since approximately 2006, our time here has been a time of waiting. Waiting to see if we would get pregnant, waiting for a new job for me, waiting for a new career for Tom, waiting for Tom to finish his schooling, more waiting to see if we got pregnant, more waiting for new jobs and careers. Lots of waiting. Not my favorite past time but God uses this time to train us. I understand that. I'm not so great at waiting with joy but He's working on that with me, too. During the pregnancy waiting He honed my skills at accepting His will in our lives. I'm very grateful for that.
I think what makes it so hard to be overly happy here for me is that I am an eternal opptomist. I want to see the brighter side of things. I want to laugh and enjoy my time and what I find is that there is little room to be who I am around here. Loads of stereotypes and loads and assumptions and loads of being reminded of your place (my place around here is as a "yankee" and "outsider" and "weirdo from CA" depending on the situation). I enjoy being from MN. I enjoy having cut my adult teeth in So CA. I am who I am and I am who God is creating me to be. Not good enough for a lot of people around these parts. Which is too bad on so many levels. I keep getting told how much people enjoy spending time with me but then they don't spend time with me. By the time I get into a social setting I'm ready to bust and I have realized that I now just bust out in some sort of attempt to connect with someone, anyone and probably overwhelm some people. I just figured out that last part and will work on it. I want to encourage friends and not scare them away.
I digress . . . .
I am a happy person and it makes me sad that so many people I interact with on very shallow level seem to take it on as their personal mission to insure that their happiness is somehow my responsibility. That if I don't take that on as my personal mission then I am somehow depriving them of their happiness. Being here only encourages my struggles as a type A people pleaser. That is not healthy for me. It's been 10 long years of walking around on egg shells and it's time to move on. I find, tho, that when I start to encourage myself to BE myself that it alienates more people. So, either me and my happiness don't fit in around here or a ton of people in So CA have low standards in their friends. While the last part amuses me to put that in writing? I'm pretty sure it's the former. Which makes me sad.
However, if I'm supposed to be who God made me to be, maybe it's time I start being that person and stop trying to be who they want me to be around here. Now, who is that person? I have grown lots since I left CA but I suspect that I need to think back to CA to remember the person I was as a foundation of where to start. It was nice to have friends who wanted to spend time with me. I miss that. Even if being who God wants me to be means having no friends out here, well, so be it. God didn't promise an easy life, he actually promised troubles and strife. I am not of this world and so there will be troubles and strife. Having such a non-existant social life for almost 10yrs has been an incredible hardship. If I lose the social interaction of people who don't really want to be socially interactive with me, what have I truly lost? I've lost falseness. That will initially feel like a loss but it will actually be a gain in the long run.
So, wow, 10yrs back . . . . can I remember back that far? Oh yes, yes I can and here comes my smile. *happy sigh*
Monday, March 28, 2011
Brain Mush
There is a saying in the accounting world: Everyone has to go thru public accounting. If you want your CPA, you will visit at least one firm in your career. Even if you arent interested in your CPA, it is very likely that you will cut your teeth in a public accounting firm. It's something we all get to do. If you've read any of my other posts you will already know that I have come to the conclusion that I do not fit into this world. I am not compatible on a personality level. I can match them for intensity and loyalty but since I refuse to make them my entire focus and blow off life outside of the office, well, you can see how that's going to work out. Still, it's the end of March and I have a whole other month ahead of me of tax season. The kids that think they have it hard, well, they started tax season 2 weeks after we did and they'll stop 2 weeks before we do. Those staff accountants have got nothing on those of us who do the bookkeeping and take care of the payroll. We are hard core.
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Last "legitimate attempt"
We signed up for our last IUI and that was almost 2 weeks ago. Tuesday is day 28. I'm over this whole thing. I'm ready for a new direction. This has been 6yrs of struggle and growth and faith and prayers and being told that I just need to relax. Oh, oh, wait, better yet . . . just adopt and then you'll get pregnant. As if someone else's baby could be our fertility doll??? A word of advice, if you don't know what to say then don't say anything other than, "I'm sorry" or "I'll pray" or even a vehement "Well, that sucks!" I'll take all of those.
However, the growth has been a blessing. In this trip, which I knew long ago that I would take, God has truly brought my husband and I much closer to each other, and more importantly, to Him. Would I volunteer for this struggle? Goodness NO! However, as with every hard earned wisdom comes the hindsight to know that it's been, not only in His will, but in our best interests. Thru this we've become a team. We've become the "One" that was mentioned in our vows. The "One" that is mentioned in Genesis. "For they shall leave their parents and become as one" Gen 2:24. That is a precious and irreplaceable gift. If I don't have a swollen belly to caress than this is a more than acceptable option.
I must say, tho, that the fertility/medical field is a strange one when it comes to faith. Their faith is in themselves and what they can do. I have years of ugly interactions with Drs and nurses that this was not a new revelation. Still, when dealing with the prospect of a 'not so pleasent' ending you would assume that these Drs, these 'bringer of life', would want their patients to have some kind of foundation that would allow this whole process to not tear up their lives. These medical people tell me to relax and not think about it but then at all points I'm to stay in contact with them to make appointments on certain days and medicines on other days. How does that leave me a day to myself? Unless I had something else to anchor me what was stopping me from focusing all my thoughts and energy on my uterus and all our attempts. What's to keep me from feeling like an utter failure every time I had a Day 1. Seriously medical people? Do you want us infertile women so close to the brink of a break down that we only see you and what you can do for us and we aren't allowed to see just how full life is, with our without a pregnancy and baby? How is that in our best interest for the entirety of our life? Why do you stand in shock and speechless when I say that we trust God to be in charge of all this. Do you feel like I'm not giving you your "due"? That I don't have as much trust in your abilities as you do? Get over yourself. You are a seasonal presense in my life and I am quite aware of that.
So, instead of sitting back and watching the calendar and allowing myself to settle into a darkness (6yrs of TCC can suck the very joy out of your every day), I prayed and trusted that God would do what He thought best for us. My whole existence isn't my uterus or my menstrual cycle and it isn't my job or my house or my family. It's a combination of all those things and how God weaves them into my story. MY story! God has a purpose for all of us and He has given us our own set of talents and weaknesses. My purpose and my talents and, yes, my weaknesses. Do I know what they are? Some, not all. Do I know the path my life will take? Some but not all. Is it frustrating to not be able to see how things will turn out? Absolutely! But then I think of that Adam Sandler movie, "Click". If I can forget about how frustrating it is to not know every single moment that will happen in my life then there is so much joy in the journey.
To that end, at this moment I don't know what this cycle will bring. It's not finished yet. I do know that I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends and my God. Really, what more can I ask for?
However, the growth has been a blessing. In this trip, which I knew long ago that I would take, God has truly brought my husband and I much closer to each other, and more importantly, to Him. Would I volunteer for this struggle? Goodness NO! However, as with every hard earned wisdom comes the hindsight to know that it's been, not only in His will, but in our best interests. Thru this we've become a team. We've become the "One" that was mentioned in our vows. The "One" that is mentioned in Genesis. "For they shall leave their parents and become as one" Gen 2:24. That is a precious and irreplaceable gift. If I don't have a swollen belly to caress than this is a more than acceptable option.
I must say, tho, that the fertility/medical field is a strange one when it comes to faith. Their faith is in themselves and what they can do. I have years of ugly interactions with Drs and nurses that this was not a new revelation. Still, when dealing with the prospect of a 'not so pleasent' ending you would assume that these Drs, these 'bringer of life', would want their patients to have some kind of foundation that would allow this whole process to not tear up their lives. These medical people tell me to relax and not think about it but then at all points I'm to stay in contact with them to make appointments on certain days and medicines on other days. How does that leave me a day to myself? Unless I had something else to anchor me what was stopping me from focusing all my thoughts and energy on my uterus and all our attempts. What's to keep me from feeling like an utter failure every time I had a Day 1. Seriously medical people? Do you want us infertile women so close to the brink of a break down that we only see you and what you can do for us and we aren't allowed to see just how full life is, with our without a pregnancy and baby? How is that in our best interest for the entirety of our life? Why do you stand in shock and speechless when I say that we trust God to be in charge of all this. Do you feel like I'm not giving you your "due"? That I don't have as much trust in your abilities as you do? Get over yourself. You are a seasonal presense in my life and I am quite aware of that.
So, instead of sitting back and watching the calendar and allowing myself to settle into a darkness (6yrs of TCC can suck the very joy out of your every day), I prayed and trusted that God would do what He thought best for us. My whole existence isn't my uterus or my menstrual cycle and it isn't my job or my house or my family. It's a combination of all those things and how God weaves them into my story. MY story! God has a purpose for all of us and He has given us our own set of talents and weaknesses. My purpose and my talents and, yes, my weaknesses. Do I know what they are? Some, not all. Do I know the path my life will take? Some but not all. Is it frustrating to not be able to see how things will turn out? Absolutely! But then I think of that Adam Sandler movie, "Click". If I can forget about how frustrating it is to not know every single moment that will happen in my life then there is so much joy in the journey.
To that end, at this moment I don't know what this cycle will bring. It's not finished yet. I do know that I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends and my God. Really, what more can I ask for?
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Fear and winter
I was having a conversation with my husband and it really pricked my brain to get back up here and write something. I have been wanting to return to my blog and then I froze. A few friends mentioned that they read what I wrote and I freaked out. They didn't give me any feedback (thanks you guys, seriously, because I may have just shut this down entirely) but it was weird to find out that someone read my words. I really am good at math and I really enjoy Accounting. I get super excited when a bank rec works out, especially one that takes work and insane concentration. I'm the girl you want looking at your bank rec when you've screwed it up for the last 2 years. I have a knack!
I digress. Type A, first born girl comes along, smart and funny and is specifically good at math and science and hates writing papers and enjoys playing the piano. When you think of your child and how you want to encourage your child in a direction that will give them a career, well, it's easier to help your child find a career that will give them consistant work than it is to basically ask them to have to beg for every dollar they earn. I have plenty of musicians in my family and none of them are touring the country in a rock band or with some high end symphany. I totally understand. Accounting is stable and consistant. Accounting equates paychecks. Got it!
So, in my heart and mind are these ideas. These crazy ideas for stories or just a concept or a "lets make a story for the person in the car next to us because she already has our attention" because she's singing at the top of her lungs or she's pissed and putting on lipstick in her rear view mirror. Or whatever. It's a trick I use when I'm trying really hard to find something redeeming about someone who is really just annoying me! It helps me find mercy and calm down.
It's scary for me to type all this up and put it out there. Much more scary to put my creative ideas in print and put them out there. I have less than 8K words put down towards the NaNoWriMo project. However, I kind of scared myself. Once I put the initial idea down and started thinking about what would happen next, the ideas didn't just pop into my head but they started to roll out. I have a concept for this whole project and it's coming out into the paper. If there was some way to stay home tomorrow from work and just type it out and reach the 50K words, I would. Time isn't on my side for this but that's my fault for letting it scare me. I mean, no one has read what I've typed and I only just told my husband tonight that I was even trying for it.
The fear is parallizing and an incredible obstacle. It tells me that all those pictures in my head of succeeding will just lead me down a path that is unfamiliar to me and who knows if it pay the bills. See, I jump straight to a writing project to abandoning my accounting career to creating novels that no one will buy. I think that's part of our charm as first borns. We are able to see the beginning and the end. I think it's part of what helps us succeed in life. It's also what makes us neurotic. We can't just enjoy an idea and all it's possibilities. It's so hard for us to enjoy the moment. We are forever thinking ahead to what will happen 5 min from now, 8 hours from now, 2 weeks from now, 10 years from now. It makes for craziness!
Sometimes I'm my worst enemy and sometimes I'm my best friend.
The joy I want to feel brings warmth to me and a smile to my face. The fear brings a cold and ice and it stops my ideas and my positive thinking. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'm sure there are no less than 100 self help books out there that would tell me how allowing this fear will incapacitate my life. I get all that. However, when the ice really starts to freaze things it's not like it's a complete change in 2 minutes. It happens slowly and over time and you forget that those ideas were bouncy and happy and moved around and now they are stuck in the ice and don't move and just lay there. As if to mock me with their lack of moving. They can't go away because they are stuck in the ice. They can't morph into their full potential because they are stuck in the ice. They can't encourage me because . . . well, you get the idea. So, I decided that this was getting me no where. I told my husband about the writing project and that had an amazing effect. I know that I'm not going to ever get those 50K words down by Tuesday. However, releasing that information was like taking a chisel to the ice. Small cracks and some shifting of the water underneath meant that I felt like it was time to post a blog here. It also helped me feel like doing nothing tomorrow but type for the project. There are obligations and I doubt I'd get even 4hrs of typing in. I can type fast but not that fast!
Still, as a literal winter breaks in our atmosphere. I feel like spring may be around the corner in my head.
I digress. Type A, first born girl comes along, smart and funny and is specifically good at math and science and hates writing papers and enjoys playing the piano. When you think of your child and how you want to encourage your child in a direction that will give them a career, well, it's easier to help your child find a career that will give them consistant work than it is to basically ask them to have to beg for every dollar they earn. I have plenty of musicians in my family and none of them are touring the country in a rock band or with some high end symphany. I totally understand. Accounting is stable and consistant. Accounting equates paychecks. Got it!
So, in my heart and mind are these ideas. These crazy ideas for stories or just a concept or a "lets make a story for the person in the car next to us because she already has our attention" because she's singing at the top of her lungs or she's pissed and putting on lipstick in her rear view mirror. Or whatever. It's a trick I use when I'm trying really hard to find something redeeming about someone who is really just annoying me! It helps me find mercy and calm down.
It's scary for me to type all this up and put it out there. Much more scary to put my creative ideas in print and put them out there. I have less than 8K words put down towards the NaNoWriMo project. However, I kind of scared myself. Once I put the initial idea down and started thinking about what would happen next, the ideas didn't just pop into my head but they started to roll out. I have a concept for this whole project and it's coming out into the paper. If there was some way to stay home tomorrow from work and just type it out and reach the 50K words, I would. Time isn't on my side for this but that's my fault for letting it scare me. I mean, no one has read what I've typed and I only just told my husband tonight that I was even trying for it.
The fear is parallizing and an incredible obstacle. It tells me that all those pictures in my head of succeeding will just lead me down a path that is unfamiliar to me and who knows if it pay the bills. See, I jump straight to a writing project to abandoning my accounting career to creating novels that no one will buy. I think that's part of our charm as first borns. We are able to see the beginning and the end. I think it's part of what helps us succeed in life. It's also what makes us neurotic. We can't just enjoy an idea and all it's possibilities. It's so hard for us to enjoy the moment. We are forever thinking ahead to what will happen 5 min from now, 8 hours from now, 2 weeks from now, 10 years from now. It makes for craziness!
Sometimes I'm my worst enemy and sometimes I'm my best friend.
The joy I want to feel brings warmth to me and a smile to my face. The fear brings a cold and ice and it stops my ideas and my positive thinking. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'm sure there are no less than 100 self help books out there that would tell me how allowing this fear will incapacitate my life. I get all that. However, when the ice really starts to freaze things it's not like it's a complete change in 2 minutes. It happens slowly and over time and you forget that those ideas were bouncy and happy and moved around and now they are stuck in the ice and don't move and just lay there. As if to mock me with their lack of moving. They can't go away because they are stuck in the ice. They can't morph into their full potential because they are stuck in the ice. They can't encourage me because . . . well, you get the idea. So, I decided that this was getting me no where. I told my husband about the writing project and that had an amazing effect. I know that I'm not going to ever get those 50K words down by Tuesday. However, releasing that information was like taking a chisel to the ice. Small cracks and some shifting of the water underneath meant that I felt like it was time to post a blog here. It also helped me feel like doing nothing tomorrow but type for the project. There are obligations and I doubt I'd get even 4hrs of typing in. I can type fast but not that fast!
Still, as a literal winter breaks in our atmosphere. I feel like spring may be around the corner in my head.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Reasonable Hope
When you are TCC (trying to conceive) there is this funny little game you play with yourself to help you not break your own heart every month. You don't play it at first. At first you allow yourself the truest sense of hope every month. It's free and powerful and joyful and awesome. Every month you think, "I could be pregnant this month" and the emphasis is on the "COULD BE". There is the hope and the chance and the possibility of the "COULD BE". It sits in your heart and your head and you may eagerly await the pee stick if you get past a certain day on your luteal phase count. It can put a spring to your step or a smile on your face. You may start thinking of yourself in the sense of being a Mom because you COULD BE. Then, if you have a Day 1 (the start of your menstrual cycle), you are crushed and broken and suddenly you feel like you have lost your identity. After all, yesterday you could be a mom and today holds no such "could be"s for you.
I was blessed in that I knew many many years before I had ever met my husband, let alone try to get pregnant, that I may not be able to get pregnant. When I didn't follow my dr's advice, it wasn't because I didn't trust their medical opinion. It was because they were all suggesting that, out of fear of infertility, that I should grab the nearest sperm donor and get pregnant immediately. "Hey, you are a 20yr old college kid, forget all your life plans and get pregnant now so that when you are ready to have a husband and family and all that, well, you won't have missed out on getting pregnant and you can feel fulfilled in your life." I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what I was told by many drs. Most of you know my enthusiasm towards the medical profession. Instead of working from a place of fear, I chose instead to believe that it's always God's plan and what's best for the kidlets that a child should be born in a happy and healthy 2 parent home. I chose to wait until I was married to start trying to get pregnant.
As with everything that has to do with my health, I had to fight the drs in order to be seen by a specialist. Then, it turns out that I was still only being given half the picture so I started reading up. So much information is available for us women and they never volunteer it in the schools or the drs office. Such a loss of time, precious time, since we weren't timing things correctly and didn't have a clue about the signals the body gives you that it's a great time for some private time with your husband! I have long suspected that drs get nervous when you know at least as much about your body as they are supposed to know. I'll make time to write about that in the near future.
So, for the past few months we've been trying Clomid. It's kind of crazy but my side effects have been pretty minimal. It's increased the number of eggs I'm going to ovulate that cycle but so far no one has gotten overly excited. I think that the size of the eggs are still not what they have been hoping to see. They even made me come in for the hormone blood workup I was avoiding during tax season. This month has been a crazy crazy time. Especially the last few weeks. Long story short, I felt certain that my stress levels were high enough that I may be delaying ovulation this cycle. I warned the Dr about that when I went in for my ultrasound. I didn't want her to give me their "Worried eyes". Today was a new Dr so I didn't know what to expect. However, she got all excited when she found my first ovary. A really good size egg and a smaller one. Hurray!! When she glided over to the other ovary she got even more excited!! At this point even I'm getting a little excited. She found a bigger egg on the other ovary, along with a smaller one. She was super impressed that I had an egg that size considering how far along I am in the cycle.
For about 30 minutes I enjoyed a happiness and joy that I haven't had in months. I enjoyed hope!! Then my more cautious side reminded me to not enjoy the happiness and hope too much lest I also suffer thru a broken heart in another 2 weeks. This is the negotiations you go thru when you are TCC. Part of you wants to throw a party and another part of you wants to go into lock-down so that you can keep it private and not have to share your pain with a bunch of people. The other part of you just wants to forget you even know you are ovulating and get on with daily life. It's kind of this crazy dance between you, yourself and you.
For the record, I'm tired of reasonable hope. It's a hope that is allowed in but either just for a short time or as a lesser version of it's true self. Unfortunately, the broken heart at the end of the cycle can threaten to overwhelm and take over. God didn't make us to only be sort of joyful. He meant for us to be filled with his joy and peace and calmness. It's hard to focus on just that when you also have the voices of the people around you demanding your attention. Drs and bosses and frenemies and on and on. I wish I had even just one day where I feel like I could clear my head and just focus on God and what He's trying to tell me.
So, reasonable hope won out for today. I'm excited about the 2 eggs that are huge and even excited about the 2 smaller eggs that may come a few days later. However, I'm not going to dedicate several days of my life to just be sad if things don't work out. I don't see how that helps and really just keeps me in a dark place that would be hard to get out of without some help. Some days I feel like a crazy person just trying to walk the line between "AWESOME" and "THAT SUCKS". Some days I'm glad for whatever hope I have to hold on to.
Today I firmly held on to my reasonable hope but tonight when I dream . . . who knows what COULD BE!!
I was blessed in that I knew many many years before I had ever met my husband, let alone try to get pregnant, that I may not be able to get pregnant. When I didn't follow my dr's advice, it wasn't because I didn't trust their medical opinion. It was because they were all suggesting that, out of fear of infertility, that I should grab the nearest sperm donor and get pregnant immediately. "Hey, you are a 20yr old college kid, forget all your life plans and get pregnant now so that when you are ready to have a husband and family and all that, well, you won't have missed out on getting pregnant and you can feel fulfilled in your life." I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of what I was told by many drs. Most of you know my enthusiasm towards the medical profession. Instead of working from a place of fear, I chose instead to believe that it's always God's plan and what's best for the kidlets that a child should be born in a happy and healthy 2 parent home. I chose to wait until I was married to start trying to get pregnant.
As with everything that has to do with my health, I had to fight the drs in order to be seen by a specialist. Then, it turns out that I was still only being given half the picture so I started reading up. So much information is available for us women and they never volunteer it in the schools or the drs office. Such a loss of time, precious time, since we weren't timing things correctly and didn't have a clue about the signals the body gives you that it's a great time for some private time with your husband! I have long suspected that drs get nervous when you know at least as much about your body as they are supposed to know. I'll make time to write about that in the near future.
So, for the past few months we've been trying Clomid. It's kind of crazy but my side effects have been pretty minimal. It's increased the number of eggs I'm going to ovulate that cycle but so far no one has gotten overly excited. I think that the size of the eggs are still not what they have been hoping to see. They even made me come in for the hormone blood workup I was avoiding during tax season. This month has been a crazy crazy time. Especially the last few weeks. Long story short, I felt certain that my stress levels were high enough that I may be delaying ovulation this cycle. I warned the Dr about that when I went in for my ultrasound. I didn't want her to give me their "Worried eyes". Today was a new Dr so I didn't know what to expect. However, she got all excited when she found my first ovary. A really good size egg and a smaller one. Hurray!! When she glided over to the other ovary she got even more excited!! At this point even I'm getting a little excited. She found a bigger egg on the other ovary, along with a smaller one. She was super impressed that I had an egg that size considering how far along I am in the cycle.
For about 30 minutes I enjoyed a happiness and joy that I haven't had in months. I enjoyed hope!! Then my more cautious side reminded me to not enjoy the happiness and hope too much lest I also suffer thru a broken heart in another 2 weeks. This is the negotiations you go thru when you are TCC. Part of you wants to throw a party and another part of you wants to go into lock-down so that you can keep it private and not have to share your pain with a bunch of people. The other part of you just wants to forget you even know you are ovulating and get on with daily life. It's kind of this crazy dance between you, yourself and you.
For the record, I'm tired of reasonable hope. It's a hope that is allowed in but either just for a short time or as a lesser version of it's true self. Unfortunately, the broken heart at the end of the cycle can threaten to overwhelm and take over. God didn't make us to only be sort of joyful. He meant for us to be filled with his joy and peace and calmness. It's hard to focus on just that when you also have the voices of the people around you demanding your attention. Drs and bosses and frenemies and on and on. I wish I had even just one day where I feel like I could clear my head and just focus on God and what He's trying to tell me.
So, reasonable hope won out for today. I'm excited about the 2 eggs that are huge and even excited about the 2 smaller eggs that may come a few days later. However, I'm not going to dedicate several days of my life to just be sad if things don't work out. I don't see how that helps and really just keeps me in a dark place that would be hard to get out of without some help. Some days I feel like a crazy person just trying to walk the line between "AWESOME" and "THAT SUCKS". Some days I'm glad for whatever hope I have to hold on to.
Today I firmly held on to my reasonable hope but tonight when I dream . . . who knows what COULD BE!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Making peace with water
We aren't vain people, not in the sense that we want to look good for everyone else. We have both gained some weight while living here and we really don't like what we see in the mirror. Our clothes don't fit, our faces don't fit, our sense of self doesn't fit. It's not where we'd like to be. So, we delve into some crazy and some sane ideas in getting healthier.
Our craziest, so far, is a juicing detox. We did it for the full 21 days the first time. However, that got to be too much. Juicing takes a lot of time and energy. When you haven't had any food-food all day? That's energy that's best spent doing something else. That was almost 2yrs ago. The up-side? We felt lighter and in less pain and it blew our minds. However, the book we read that instructed us on the detox did more than set out a diet plan. It got into label reading and chemicals and natural foods and really taking a look at that "mac-n-cheese" we bought in a box as opposed to making it from scratch. Who knew such basic meals took so many chemicals just to add a cheese flavor. Those of you who know me know that I take my cheese very very serious. Fake cheese should be banned!!
One of the first things I noticed was that pop (soda) didn't taste the same and I didn't enjoy it the way I did before. Not good since tax season would be upon me not long after that first detox. We are trying to get pregnant but for 2 weeks out of every cycle I could enjoy the bubbly sugar water offer with every can of Cherry Coke. Caffeine was never important to me but I tried to cut it out as we looked for things to "fix" in our TCC. One a side not: I had prayed for a few years that I would be delivered from my "addiction" to chocolate. During that next tax season I got the flu. Bad. Unlike anything I had seen in over 20yrs. THAT kind of flu. One of the last things I ate before I got sick was chocolate. It didn't make me as happy as it used to (thanks to the detox) but it was a useful tool when I was sad or anxious. So, last in first out. Done with chocolate and caffeinated pop all together. Thank you Lord!!! Horrible but effective!
I also started to drink more water at that point. Unwillingly. Begrudgingly. Slowly.
Next detox was only for 10 days. This time the uncaffeinated, clear pop caused an issue. When you start eliminating things from your diet then you start noticing sensitivities. Holy Cow my sinuses would swell up and cause such a headache! Wow Oh Wow!!!! So, toss that out. Not that you need it, but what was I gonna drink???? *searching searching searching* Lemonade!! We eat out often enough that I was concerned about what I'd have to drink because I'm really picky about the water I drink. Then I read the labels on some of the lemonade. Um, how can they call this lemonade??? 0% juice???? What am I ingesting??? UGH!!
However, this most recent detox, only for 7 days, pushed me over the edge with the water. Yes, I have my specific water that I prefer. No it's not a froo-froo brand. It's Target's "Market Pantry" brand and I love it! However, how'd I go from a cherry coke drinking fiend to a water guzzling health nut?? That one is still to be figured out. It's a new me and I'm not sure what to make of it.
So, in conclusion: I drink water more than anything else available and I like it!
Ta-Da!!
Our craziest, so far, is a juicing detox. We did it for the full 21 days the first time. However, that got to be too much. Juicing takes a lot of time and energy. When you haven't had any food-food all day? That's energy that's best spent doing something else. That was almost 2yrs ago. The up-side? We felt lighter and in less pain and it blew our minds. However, the book we read that instructed us on the detox did more than set out a diet plan. It got into label reading and chemicals and natural foods and really taking a look at that "mac-n-cheese" we bought in a box as opposed to making it from scratch. Who knew such basic meals took so many chemicals just to add a cheese flavor. Those of you who know me know that I take my cheese very very serious. Fake cheese should be banned!!
One of the first things I noticed was that pop (soda) didn't taste the same and I didn't enjoy it the way I did before. Not good since tax season would be upon me not long after that first detox. We are trying to get pregnant but for 2 weeks out of every cycle I could enjoy the bubbly sugar water offer with every can of Cherry Coke. Caffeine was never important to me but I tried to cut it out as we looked for things to "fix" in our TCC. One a side not: I had prayed for a few years that I would be delivered from my "addiction" to chocolate. During that next tax season I got the flu. Bad. Unlike anything I had seen in over 20yrs. THAT kind of flu. One of the last things I ate before I got sick was chocolate. It didn't make me as happy as it used to (thanks to the detox) but it was a useful tool when I was sad or anxious. So, last in first out. Done with chocolate and caffeinated pop all together. Thank you Lord!!! Horrible but effective!
I also started to drink more water at that point. Unwillingly. Begrudgingly. Slowly.
Next detox was only for 10 days. This time the uncaffeinated, clear pop caused an issue. When you start eliminating things from your diet then you start noticing sensitivities. Holy Cow my sinuses would swell up and cause such a headache! Wow Oh Wow!!!! So, toss that out. Not that you need it, but what was I gonna drink???? *searching searching searching* Lemonade!! We eat out often enough that I was concerned about what I'd have to drink because I'm really picky about the water I drink. Then I read the labels on some of the lemonade. Um, how can they call this lemonade??? 0% juice???? What am I ingesting??? UGH!!
However, this most recent detox, only for 7 days, pushed me over the edge with the water. Yes, I have my specific water that I prefer. No it's not a froo-froo brand. It's Target's "Market Pantry" brand and I love it! However, how'd I go from a cherry coke drinking fiend to a water guzzling health nut?? That one is still to be figured out. It's a new me and I'm not sure what to make of it.
So, in conclusion: I drink water more than anything else available and I like it!
Ta-Da!!
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