Tax season is over and I'm thrilled for that. It tends to suck the very life out of you. Every year, 1/3 of my life gets signed over to "the company". That isn't an exaggeration because I spend most of my waking hours at the office. When I am home, the few precious hours I get a break, are spent inhaling food and rubbing sore limbs. The human body was never meant to sit at a desk for 8hrs a day, let alone 12 or 13. When I lay my head down for some much needed sleep, it's not the same because I'm tossing and turning between the sore joints and my "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh did I finish A, B or C? Did the client get X, Y or Z in the mail on time? Who's going to yell at me tomorrow?????????????" That never makes for restful sleep.
So, May is usually the month to unwind and get my life back. I look forward to May. I'm not keen on cleaning my house but by the time we get to May, it's well over due. I get to bake. I get to cook with more than 20 min. I can sleep in on a Saturday. It also means that summer is around the corner and that means the beach and heavy air in the evenings and visits to Busch Gardens. Yeah!!!
This tax season, tho, was harder than all but one other tax season in the last 6. I'm old enough to know that I'm not a spring chicken any more and that some things just drain me more than they used to. This year, tho, I got a slap in the face about my health. Oh, sure, I've waved off the tension headaches and dutifully went to the Dr at my husband's demands to make him feel better that my chest pains were nothing more than stress. No problem *waves hands dismissively* I'm not worried about those things. Did I ever have those reactions to stress before? Nope, but it's an annual thing now for the past few years. I have a strong heart and I have headaches all the time. Easy to blow those signals off. This year, tho, I agreed to do something I had waved off last year. This year I allowed ultrasounds to happen so that we were on top of things when tax season was over. This year I cried and felt fear about my stress. This year I was truly scared that I'd end up in the hospital before tax season was over. This tax season I didn't ovulate 3 of the 4 possible cycles I had during tax season. Which is a bitch since I still had pains on day 1 and my temp sort of shifted so that made me doubt what I was doing charting. This is like a man only creating sperm 1 out of every 4 days. Let's just drop the sperm productivity by 75% and see how that works out. Are you kidding me??????
No one freaked out at me but I could tell they were waiting to see my reaction. As they swept back and forth with the wand, double checking themselves in case they missed an egg, calling in a co-worker to confirm what they already know. They would then look at me and size me up for a second. I had already guessed that was going on and so when I saw their apprehension and hesitation I felt obligated to help them. I said it first. "No eggs? Is that what you are talking about?" For them, the tension left the room at that moment. I wasn't going to cry, wasn't going to get hysterical, wasn't going to get mad. For me, the blood rushed in my ears, sparkles popped up in front of my eyes, the air left my lungs. I reassured them as quickly as possible knowing that they'd want to leave the room as fast as possible. Fine, go! That gives me a few minutes to collect my thoughts while I pretend to get dressed. I lose my balance and feel dizzy and my limbs feel very heavy in that moment. About the point that I feel that I'm taking too long to get dressed and they'll start to worry about me, I throw my clothes and a smile on and leave. I don't want their clinical sympathy. I don't want a lecture on my body. Really, what I don't want to hear them say is, "we should check your hormones to make sure you aren't perimenopausal" They are trying not to say it. I'm 37 and for them 38 is some magical line in the sand. I am not so worried because my mom gave birth at 43 without any help. When my hormones have been checked, there is no sign of menopause. So, I'm trying not to consider that and I sure don't want to hear it out of their mouths either. KEEP THAT TO YOURSELF because I have enough on my plate.
Much like a favorite blanket, I cling to the idea that before the next tax season I will be allowed to leave this job and get my life back. We had a hiccup and so our steps away from here may not start again until August, but even if our current plan falls thru, the idea that I won't go thru another tax season here is my desperate hope. I also know that it's very likely that staying at this job is our last obstacle to getting pregnant. UGH!!
So, the current end to tax season came with much joy when I found out that I was ovulating. However, all of it just drags on me and I swear I could sleep for a week if given the chance. I just don't think that will help me feel less exhausted. I have given permission to a job to suck the life out of me, to place fear at the top of my list of states of being every day, to let them help me feel like a failure time and again, to not do a thing to help me feel like this is a safe environment. I'm done and tired and sick of the fight. I hear my dad's voice in my head that I'm supposed to be a good citizen at all times and fight the good fight. I'm just too tired to care right now *yawn*
