I have a "secret". It's not really a secret but I'm not telling everyone what happened yesterday. It's not a big deal to anyone but those closest to me. It's a huge deal for me. Still, the ramifications are huge if I tell the whole world and then find out that the glee of yesterday doesn't extend thru the next few weeks. Plus, logic dictates that the odds are against us and therefore I need to keep a level head.
However, why I don't tell is different for different people.
I don't tell most of the people at work because I don't want 1000 questions in a couple of weeks when I may be sad. I also don't want the 1000 questions if it's good news and I'm not ready to share that good news with the world. Plus, I don't feel safe around most of these people and therefore I don't feel like letting them in to this very private time. I've told a couple of key people but I know they won't share that information with anyone else. Even if I just told the people I didn't mind at work, word would pass and I'd get comments and, well, I've decided not to share. Not like they really care anyways so what difference does it make to them? Except when they find out they weren't on the "to be told" list but I'll deal with that later if I get to.
We are open with family because we know that they are praying for us and it's good to keep them updated on the latest and greatest. It helps them to feel a part of all this and it reminds them to keep up the prayers. That usually leads to encouraging sentiments and those are always appreciated.
Some friends get told as a point of fact. "Hey, we did X the other day, just so you know" and they roll with that information and it's all good. Some friends are not told because they are in an emotionally unhappy place and it would be more harmful then helpful. I have a friend who got put on bedrest for the last month of her pregnancy and was scared. I waited until I found out that she gave birth and all was fantastic for mother and child. I have another friend who is going on this trek with me and is having the same success I am and she's very sad right now. I might birth a child and still not tell her! A friend is worried about her and so now I'm worried about her. She doesn't need to know about X right now and if it doesn't work in a couple of weeks, then I've done no harm in keeping that information from her. Could she figure it out on my FB page? Probably, but I'm not going to specifically point it out to her. For what purpose?
And those become the secrets of our joys and fears. We have things that go on in our lives that we can't share with the whole world. Some of us are sharers and that's just how we are. To not tell someone close to us about something major just about puts us over the edge. It's so natural to open my mouth and spill the beans. It's like telling me to think about breathing the next time I feel the uncontrolled desire to expand my lungs and suck in oxygen. Do I really need that breath? Will it hurt anyone if I do breath? I know that's silly but that's about the size of it when you consider the gears that have to be changed in my head. Good news? Bad news? Completely inconsequencial information that is huge to me but has no ramifications on anyone else? Doesn't matter!
The stupid part is that it dampens the highs and lowers the lows when a sharer can't share. Why? because we are social creatures. We are built and created to live and thrive in a social setting. Not just sharers, but everyone! To some extent, we all have the urge to share what is going on in our lives with another and get validation that who we are matters. That we aren't just a cellular being floating around with other cellular beings and no one interacts with one another and no one cares. My name is Cyndi and I matter to some people!
So, I keep some secrets and hold them close when I interact with certain people. Sometimes out of love and concern and sometimes out of self-preservation. If something comes of X then I'll change how I go about telling more people. Until then? It's probably best to keep this info to myself. It helps me to not get my hopes up just yet. Sound depressing? Nope, it's just logical.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Being home sick
For the record, you know you hate your job to the n-th degree when you'd rather be at home, sick as a dog, then go to the office.
I just wish I wasn't so sick that I couldn't do something enjoyable while I was at home =P
I just wish I wasn't so sick that I couldn't do something enjoyable while I was at home =P
Inked
Leaving the midwest for the sunny western coast is a huge transition. I wasn't quite 17 yet when I did it. I wasn't a loner back home but I sure wasn't anyone's version of the popular girl. I grew up tall and had a girl's version of my adult body by the time I was 14. I was never embarrassed about my height but the same couldn't be said about how I saw the shape of my body. No boy wants to date soft and fleshy girls. Well, there are some but they typically aren't the healthiest choices for young girls. Or was that just my lucky streak with the boys? I'll leave that to be argued at a later time.
I had only seen east LA on the TV and I thought it best to keep my head down for the year I was there. Senior year is already kind of crazy and I was the new kid on the block. I didn't know their lingo or their mannerisms. Quickly I became known as the tall blonde from the midwest. Their view of their counterparts from the frozen tundra in the middle of the country was very rural, country and hayseed. Regardless of who I was, my outsides screamed Swedish farm girl. *shrug*
So, I figured out that my accent identified me straight off. It's been 20 years since I lived back home and yet people pick up on it right away. It was considered "cute" in the west. Something that made me unique and since it's always desirable to be unique it was sort of an advantage. People remembered me as the tall, blonde girl with the quirky accent. However, when you want to be considered something OTHER than cute and safe you try really hard to create a new persona and put it out there. No one bought it. Not really. I just looked like a cute girl going thru a phase. So, I pondered some more and ,with the encouragement of a friend back home, I took a huge plunge. What could really show everyone that I wasn't some cute girl from the midwest but some bad ass girl living in the wild west? A TATTOO!! Yes, despite my fears of needles (at that point, fear doesn't quite explain how I felt about needles), I decided that a tattoo would be exactly what I needed. I took my time. No need to permantantly mark my body with something foolish just to make a point. I walked into several parlors, flipped thru dozens of books with lots of pictures. It was more overwhelming then I ever thought it would be. Something classic, something unique, something edgy. What to do, what to do. I went back to my friend back home. What was it that she had been asking me to do? She loves tattoos and so she's got several but she's got one that was meant for us. She had put 2 hearts on her bicep. One blue and one green. The green was for me and the blue was for her. Ok, safe and quirky and something that required interest and questions. Perfect!!
I was 20 and had asked around for recommendations. I walked into a parlor near my fave beach. It was laid back and sandy and not super organized. Perfect! I walked in, told the guy what I wanted and was instructed to sit backwards in the chair. I came in wearing a bikini top uner my shirt so that I could stay covered up and yet allow access to my back. Off comes the shirt and the bikini strap gets pushed to the side. The instrument sounds like a horror story dental instrument. It feels like someone is digging their nail into your skin. There was a mirror in front of me so I made sure to divert my eyes so I didn't tense up.
30 minutes later I'm inked up and feeling tough and ready to be a new me!! It was patched up and under my bikini strap but I walked out a little taller, with a little bit of an attitude and swagger. Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fast forward 17 years. My tat didn't change everyone's perception of me. That's ok. It's still a conversation piece. What I hate now is that we are in VA and I work in accounting firm and instead of getting, "Hey, you have a tat!" I get, "That's not real, is it?" Some of that is due to the accounting mentality, I get that. A lot more of it has to do with the attitude in the mid-Atlantic that everyone wants to look just like everyone else. Why would I put a temp dual heart tattoo on? What purpose does that serve? Also, what makes anyone think that a.) touching my tat tells you anything about it and b.) sneering at me for having one is beneficial to our day-to-day relations and c.) it's ok to poke me in the back? People out here are weird.
So, that's that. I'm inked. I'm a bad-ass who's sat in the chair and had ink permanently put on my body. It's in a place that shouldn't age badly. Having a tat is part of who I am, part of my history, a reminder of a time in my life when I was so certain that I wasn't good enough just as I was. It's also a reminder that I'm not as scared of life as I thought I was. I still need that reminder and I'm glad it goes with me, no matter where I go!
I had only seen east LA on the TV and I thought it best to keep my head down for the year I was there. Senior year is already kind of crazy and I was the new kid on the block. I didn't know their lingo or their mannerisms. Quickly I became known as the tall blonde from the midwest. Their view of their counterparts from the frozen tundra in the middle of the country was very rural, country and hayseed. Regardless of who I was, my outsides screamed Swedish farm girl. *shrug*
So, I figured out that my accent identified me straight off. It's been 20 years since I lived back home and yet people pick up on it right away. It was considered "cute" in the west. Something that made me unique and since it's always desirable to be unique it was sort of an advantage. People remembered me as the tall, blonde girl with the quirky accent. However, when you want to be considered something OTHER than cute and safe you try really hard to create a new persona and put it out there. No one bought it. Not really. I just looked like a cute girl going thru a phase. So, I pondered some more and ,with the encouragement of a friend back home, I took a huge plunge. What could really show everyone that I wasn't some cute girl from the midwest but some bad ass girl living in the wild west? A TATTOO!! Yes, despite my fears of needles (at that point, fear doesn't quite explain how I felt about needles), I decided that a tattoo would be exactly what I needed. I took my time. No need to permantantly mark my body with something foolish just to make a point. I walked into several parlors, flipped thru dozens of books with lots of pictures. It was more overwhelming then I ever thought it would be. Something classic, something unique, something edgy. What to do, what to do. I went back to my friend back home. What was it that she had been asking me to do? She loves tattoos and so she's got several but she's got one that was meant for us. She had put 2 hearts on her bicep. One blue and one green. The green was for me and the blue was for her. Ok, safe and quirky and something that required interest and questions. Perfect!!
I was 20 and had asked around for recommendations. I walked into a parlor near my fave beach. It was laid back and sandy and not super organized. Perfect! I walked in, told the guy what I wanted and was instructed to sit backwards in the chair. I came in wearing a bikini top uner my shirt so that I could stay covered up and yet allow access to my back. Off comes the shirt and the bikini strap gets pushed to the side. The instrument sounds like a horror story dental instrument. It feels like someone is digging their nail into your skin. There was a mirror in front of me so I made sure to divert my eyes so I didn't tense up.
30 minutes later I'm inked up and feeling tough and ready to be a new me!! It was patched up and under my bikini strap but I walked out a little taller, with a little bit of an attitude and swagger. Bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fast forward 17 years. My tat didn't change everyone's perception of me. That's ok. It's still a conversation piece. What I hate now is that we are in VA and I work in accounting firm and instead of getting, "Hey, you have a tat!" I get, "That's not real, is it?" Some of that is due to the accounting mentality, I get that. A lot more of it has to do with the attitude in the mid-Atlantic that everyone wants to look just like everyone else. Why would I put a temp dual heart tattoo on? What purpose does that serve? Also, what makes anyone think that a.) touching my tat tells you anything about it and b.) sneering at me for having one is beneficial to our day-to-day relations and c.) it's ok to poke me in the back? People out here are weird.
So, that's that. I'm inked. I'm a bad-ass who's sat in the chair and had ink permanently put on my body. It's in a place that shouldn't age badly. Having a tat is part of who I am, part of my history, a reminder of a time in my life when I was so certain that I wasn't good enough just as I was. It's also a reminder that I'm not as scared of life as I thought I was. I still need that reminder and I'm glad it goes with me, no matter where I go!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Thoughts of a rolling kiosk
Our lives will be worked around my husband's job. I am not a "career" girl in the fashion of the NOW. I do not find my worth from my paycheck and the rarely achieved nod from some suit. I have dreams of staying at home and cooking dinners that take 2hrs to put together. Of raising children and baking cookies for the class and making sure that homework is finished after the last bell. I work because life requires payment. We don't live an insane lifestyle but sometimes things catch up with us. The last item was a brand new roof that came with minimal warning. We are still digging out. Once that is paid off I could take a pay cut. See, I can't be bought like that. I have dreams of quitting corporate america and starting my own little business until the children come and if they don't, making the business my thing to do while I follow my husband.
I'm sure those thoughts seem foreign or backwards to some women. I hear about it from my aquaintances. I remind them that the feminist movemet was meant to bring about freedom for women to do what made them happy and feel fulfilled. Well, that was the original idea. Now it's about some kind of power trip. "Let's show them we can be as nasty as the boys". How uninspiring. How boorish. Eh, if that's what makes them happy and fulfilled? I hope they enjoy it!
So, when my husband calls to tell me about a new job opening that would take us away from this area, we are gleeful. Not just because it means a better opportunity for him but also because it means I can get away from where I'm stuck. Our chats never veer towards talks about my next corporate job. We talk about me taking cake decorating classes and starting my own bookkeeping business. We giggle about how our next home needs a bigger kitchen so I can create more masterpieces for my husband to enjoy. Yes, I said we giggle. Today there was talk about a place we have only pondered for a brief moment because it's too ludicruis to truly consider. He's happy in his job and he enjoys his work. There is never talk about settling in and being nervous. He's a cop and that's what he's meant to be. He's an investigator and that's what his heart is set on and so he makes movements in that direction with his career. So we talk about what I'll do. We giggle about the silly ideas of how I can mold what makes me happy to the circumstances we may find ourselves. My husband is so supportive and I'm so very grateful to be blessed with him!
Today we thought up a plan to have a rolling kiosk on the boardwalk that had a heating tray so that I could keep cupcakes warm and spread the smell of baked yumminess floating around me to attract customers. Who could resist a rolling cupcake with a choice of frostings? If you were on vacation and weren't watching every penny? You'd gobble them up! I have a mental image of one of those rolling carts you see at amusement parks with a cupcake top umbrella. Walking under the warmth of the sun, smelling the breezes of the Gulf and Atlantic coming together. Selling yumminess to smiling people who's tummies have been drawing them to me from the first smell. I also thought about all the snowbirds in the FL area who have businesses back home. They could use a bookkeeper, right? Someone to help them keep track of their books while they are on vacation for 4 months, due to Dr's order for their health. Wifi is such a versitile tool!! I could be baking cupcakes in the morning and doing bookkeeping while I wait and then stroll the boardwalk with my frosting umbrella and talk the day away with the tourists.
It's good to have dreams =)
I'm sure those thoughts seem foreign or backwards to some women. I hear about it from my aquaintances. I remind them that the feminist movemet was meant to bring about freedom for women to do what made them happy and feel fulfilled. Well, that was the original idea. Now it's about some kind of power trip. "Let's show them we can be as nasty as the boys". How uninspiring. How boorish. Eh, if that's what makes them happy and fulfilled? I hope they enjoy it!
So, when my husband calls to tell me about a new job opening that would take us away from this area, we are gleeful. Not just because it means a better opportunity for him but also because it means I can get away from where I'm stuck. Our chats never veer towards talks about my next corporate job. We talk about me taking cake decorating classes and starting my own bookkeeping business. We giggle about how our next home needs a bigger kitchen so I can create more masterpieces for my husband to enjoy. Yes, I said we giggle. Today there was talk about a place we have only pondered for a brief moment because it's too ludicruis to truly consider. He's happy in his job and he enjoys his work. There is never talk about settling in and being nervous. He's a cop and that's what he's meant to be. He's an investigator and that's what his heart is set on and so he makes movements in that direction with his career. So we talk about what I'll do. We giggle about the silly ideas of how I can mold what makes me happy to the circumstances we may find ourselves. My husband is so supportive and I'm so very grateful to be blessed with him!
Today we thought up a plan to have a rolling kiosk on the boardwalk that had a heating tray so that I could keep cupcakes warm and spread the smell of baked yumminess floating around me to attract customers. Who could resist a rolling cupcake with a choice of frostings? If you were on vacation and weren't watching every penny? You'd gobble them up! I have a mental image of one of those rolling carts you see at amusement parks with a cupcake top umbrella. Walking under the warmth of the sun, smelling the breezes of the Gulf and Atlantic coming together. Selling yumminess to smiling people who's tummies have been drawing them to me from the first smell. I also thought about all the snowbirds in the FL area who have businesses back home. They could use a bookkeeper, right? Someone to help them keep track of their books while they are on vacation for 4 months, due to Dr's order for their health. Wifi is such a versitile tool!! I could be baking cupcakes in the morning and doing bookkeeping while I wait and then stroll the boardwalk with my frosting umbrella and talk the day away with the tourists.
It's good to have dreams =)
Confusion about committment
We are a week out from one of the first main deadlines for the bulk of the accounting field. Nevermind that I've already passed 2 huge ones. Bookkeeper deadlines aren't deemed important enough to recognize. Well, until a client calls up wondering where their W2s are at! At that point we are only important enough to grouch at. Either way, the first main deadline is fast approaching. March 15th is when most of the business returns are due. Clients like to call, forgetting that we have other clients, and wonder what we've been doing with their information for the last 2 weeks. "Shouldn't my return be done? I want to file my personal return and get that refund!" I am forever amused at the idea that our clients must surely believe that we wiggle our noses and VIOLA their tax return is finished. They make this assumption about any product we create for them. I used to be annoyed, now I'm amused. I am your own personal Samantha from Bewitched!
So, I am only one person and as such, I can truly only do one thing at a time if it's going to require full attention to detail. Sorry folks, that's just how we were created. Unfortunately, the phone calls and emails don't come in the order I was planning on doing things. The partners don't come into our offices in that order, either. What does annoy me is when one partner comes in to bark about something missing and the client is calling him and wants thier return yesterday blah blah blah. Ok, do you want me to stop what I am doing and now focus on that? When what you are working on is for a different partner, the first partner is very quick to say, "yes, stop doing that and focus on me". What happens when the client they are attempting to interrupt is another one of their clients?
I have told this one partner, repeatedly, for the last 2 weeks that I can't get anything finished due to all the interruptions. I understand that he is the face and therefore gets a lot of the grief from the clients. However, I can't finish projects for him and get him information if I can't keep one single thought in my head for more than 5 min! To prove my point, he interrupted me one night and I had to trash 20 min of work for another partner. I thought, "oh, I will tell him what a waste of time this is and he'll get it" How nieve of me! How silly of me! He asked what client he had interrupted, it wasn't one of his and he blew me off! I was bent out of shape! I'm being polite. I truly was pissed! That's not just another partner's client, it's my time you are wasting, too!
Today, that same partner came in to interrupt what I was already working on to tell me that I had failed to do something or other that I had no clue was my job to do. This is literally the first time I'm hearing about it. So, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "First, when was I supposed to know to do this? No one told me about anything beyond their W2s and city returns. Second, I'm working on this other client of yours right now, what takes priority?" There, right there! In his eyes. He didn't know what to do. His face froze for a moment, his eyes stopped and just stared. Not at me, I'm not sure what but he was looking beyond me. This blur of activity who was so quick to bark at me now had a quandry. What takes priority? He didn't answer me. Instead he went back to barking. So, I got animated with my question. "What do you want me to do right now?" In my head I was thinking, "keep it up tough guy and I will grab my purse and jacket and walk right out of here I'm so sick of all of this!" But you can't say that. The hell you pay tomorrow isn't worth the satisfaction you get today. In the moment, tho, in the smallest of moments when impulse almost out runs common sense, it would totally be worth it!
So, I went back to what I was doing first because he finally said that he wanted to take a look at the books before I started on his project. I've been interrupted twice again. Once I start something I know that about 10 min into that work someone will come to me with some kind of "accounting emergency". By the way, there are no such things as accounting emergencies. Either you get an extention or you pay a penalty for the late filing. Unless you are a tax evader, no one is going to jail. So, what can I committ the next 2hrs of my day to? Better yet, partner in charge? Why don't you make up YOUR mind on where you want me to committ the next 2hrs of my time? How about you stop getting upset that I can't do 15 things at once and get me a priority list so that I know what you need 5 mins ago vs tomorrow!
Which leads to the ultimate question: Just how committed am I to continue working around these egos dressed up in casual work clothes and business suits? I love my accounting work and dealing with numbers but I'm just not as ego-centered as most of these people are. It gets tiring to go against your grain. Just where is my heart committed? Where are my dreams? I once thought I had wasted my time getting a degree but now I wonder if I was just too narrow in my thinking about opportunities.
In the mean time, my committments are here, in front of me. I love my clients and for all this gruffness of late, I do enjoy working with this recently annoying partner.
So, I am only one person and as such, I can truly only do one thing at a time if it's going to require full attention to detail. Sorry folks, that's just how we were created. Unfortunately, the phone calls and emails don't come in the order I was planning on doing things. The partners don't come into our offices in that order, either. What does annoy me is when one partner comes in to bark about something missing and the client is calling him and wants thier return yesterday blah blah blah. Ok, do you want me to stop what I am doing and now focus on that? When what you are working on is for a different partner, the first partner is very quick to say, "yes, stop doing that and focus on me". What happens when the client they are attempting to interrupt is another one of their clients?
I have told this one partner, repeatedly, for the last 2 weeks that I can't get anything finished due to all the interruptions. I understand that he is the face and therefore gets a lot of the grief from the clients. However, I can't finish projects for him and get him information if I can't keep one single thought in my head for more than 5 min! To prove my point, he interrupted me one night and I had to trash 20 min of work for another partner. I thought, "oh, I will tell him what a waste of time this is and he'll get it" How nieve of me! How silly of me! He asked what client he had interrupted, it wasn't one of his and he blew me off! I was bent out of shape! I'm being polite. I truly was pissed! That's not just another partner's client, it's my time you are wasting, too!
Today, that same partner came in to interrupt what I was already working on to tell me that I had failed to do something or other that I had no clue was my job to do. This is literally the first time I'm hearing about it. So, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "First, when was I supposed to know to do this? No one told me about anything beyond their W2s and city returns. Second, I'm working on this other client of yours right now, what takes priority?" There, right there! In his eyes. He didn't know what to do. His face froze for a moment, his eyes stopped and just stared. Not at me, I'm not sure what but he was looking beyond me. This blur of activity who was so quick to bark at me now had a quandry. What takes priority? He didn't answer me. Instead he went back to barking. So, I got animated with my question. "What do you want me to do right now?" In my head I was thinking, "keep it up tough guy and I will grab my purse and jacket and walk right out of here I'm so sick of all of this!" But you can't say that. The hell you pay tomorrow isn't worth the satisfaction you get today. In the moment, tho, in the smallest of moments when impulse almost out runs common sense, it would totally be worth it!
So, I went back to what I was doing first because he finally said that he wanted to take a look at the books before I started on his project. I've been interrupted twice again. Once I start something I know that about 10 min into that work someone will come to me with some kind of "accounting emergency". By the way, there are no such things as accounting emergencies. Either you get an extention or you pay a penalty for the late filing. Unless you are a tax evader, no one is going to jail. So, what can I committ the next 2hrs of my day to? Better yet, partner in charge? Why don't you make up YOUR mind on where you want me to committ the next 2hrs of my time? How about you stop getting upset that I can't do 15 things at once and get me a priority list so that I know what you need 5 mins ago vs tomorrow!
Which leads to the ultimate question: Just how committed am I to continue working around these egos dressed up in casual work clothes and business suits? I love my accounting work and dealing with numbers but I'm just not as ego-centered as most of these people are. It gets tiring to go against your grain. Just where is my heart committed? Where are my dreams? I once thought I had wasted my time getting a degree but now I wonder if I was just too narrow in my thinking about opportunities.
In the mean time, my committments are here, in front of me. I love my clients and for all this gruffness of late, I do enjoy working with this recently annoying partner.
Friday, March 5, 2010
In the beginning there was fear
For someone who can talk a blue streak, trying to get my thoughts in order to put them down on "paper" is a stumbling block. I'm an old school writer. I still remember having to crumple up the paper and start all over again because I thought my paper would look more grown up if I wrote it in ink! HA!! I would crumple up the latest attempt, sigh or grumble, feel the smoothness of the new sheet, poise my pen above the first line and freeze. I would then take a deep breath, let it out slowly and grab the crumpled sheet of paper, smooth it out and figure out where I could copy my thoughts from the original sheet before I had to make a correction. Call me old-school. I'm not keen on that title but people think I'm cool when I toss it around.
So, I have all these "brilliant" ideas rolling around my head and half finished thoughts and loads of people who laugh at my stories and it comes to me that perhaps I should put them down for my friends and family to enjoy. Then it dawns on me that typing isn't the same as rattling off funny antidotes.
The amuzing thing is that all this thinking about writing really struck a chord of fear in me and I couldn't figure it out. Just the idea of pressing the, "Start your blog" button caused all thoughts to stop in my head. Then I worked up the courage to press the start button (Praise the Lord that I still use a key to start my car!) and let the blog sit here for a couple of days. Blank. Disappointed. Rolling it's eyes at me. Ya know, that's a lot of pressure. I thought about why and tried not to use the easy way out. I come from a very talented family. Drawing, musical instruments, the ability to decorate a room in no time flat (truly an accomplishment in my eyes), pastors, missionaries, hollywood types. Then you have me. I knew I where I was going to college in the 11th grade. I took Accounting classes from the 10th grade. I have all these urges to be creative but childhood encouragement came few and far between so I learned to not bother trying. *insert canned sob story* Who's fault is that? Well, now it's my fault! I'm a big girl and all grown up and it's my fault that I've allowed those fears and thoughts to freeze my brain.
That also makes it my responsibility to try things that scare me. I'm not about to take up bungy jumping, let's not go crazy. But I've taken up cupcakes and widening my cooking skills. I'm allowing my husband to compliment me when I try new things, for some of us this is truly tear enducing. I love my accounting. I love numbers and making things fit. I also enjoy playing the piano and baking cupcakes and decorating them in crazy ways and going to Trader Joes and finding random new foods to try at home or seeing something on the TV and tinkering with the idea until I have my own creation. Sometimes I make foods that sound good but that I won't eat. For example, this week I tried stuffed peppers. I didn't eat the peppers but the stuffing was delicious!!! My hubby thought the whole thing was scrumcious!! During the summer I make a kick butt strawberry pie! It's a weight watchers recipe and no one has a clue that it's a "diet" recipe. I'm not keen on strawberries so I make it and bring it to church and let them gobble it up. I enjoy making homemade whipped cream and BBQ sauce. Those I do eat =) but not together . . . eeeewwwww!
All that to say that I want to write about my baking attempts and decorating ideas. I want to write about sitting at a desk in a public accounting firm surrounded by competitive egos, the moments of insanity that cause me to grind my teeth or belly laugh. I want to write about my family, to include my furball and our attempts to expand the size of our family. I want to write about our travels and our possible moves in the next few years. Above all I want to write about how there is the possibility of getting to the other side of chaos. There is a reality that shows me God's love for me and his desire to give me grace and mercy and to make sense of the craziness that can be my life. I only see today and the view of yesterday changes ever so slightly as I get older but tomorrow is waiting for me. Waiting with anticipation to show off what God has in store for me.
So, I have all these "brilliant" ideas rolling around my head and half finished thoughts and loads of people who laugh at my stories and it comes to me that perhaps I should put them down for my friends and family to enjoy. Then it dawns on me that typing isn't the same as rattling off funny antidotes.
The amuzing thing is that all this thinking about writing really struck a chord of fear in me and I couldn't figure it out. Just the idea of pressing the, "Start your blog" button caused all thoughts to stop in my head. Then I worked up the courage to press the start button (Praise the Lord that I still use a key to start my car!) and let the blog sit here for a couple of days. Blank. Disappointed. Rolling it's eyes at me. Ya know, that's a lot of pressure. I thought about why and tried not to use the easy way out. I come from a very talented family. Drawing, musical instruments, the ability to decorate a room in no time flat (truly an accomplishment in my eyes), pastors, missionaries, hollywood types. Then you have me. I knew I where I was going to college in the 11th grade. I took Accounting classes from the 10th grade. I have all these urges to be creative but childhood encouragement came few and far between so I learned to not bother trying. *insert canned sob story* Who's fault is that? Well, now it's my fault! I'm a big girl and all grown up and it's my fault that I've allowed those fears and thoughts to freeze my brain.
That also makes it my responsibility to try things that scare me. I'm not about to take up bungy jumping, let's not go crazy. But I've taken up cupcakes and widening my cooking skills. I'm allowing my husband to compliment me when I try new things, for some of us this is truly tear enducing. I love my accounting. I love numbers and making things fit. I also enjoy playing the piano and baking cupcakes and decorating them in crazy ways and going to Trader Joes and finding random new foods to try at home or seeing something on the TV and tinkering with the idea until I have my own creation. Sometimes I make foods that sound good but that I won't eat. For example, this week I tried stuffed peppers. I didn't eat the peppers but the stuffing was delicious!!! My hubby thought the whole thing was scrumcious!! During the summer I make a kick butt strawberry pie! It's a weight watchers recipe and no one has a clue that it's a "diet" recipe. I'm not keen on strawberries so I make it and bring it to church and let them gobble it up. I enjoy making homemade whipped cream and BBQ sauce. Those I do eat =) but not together . . . eeeewwwww!
All that to say that I want to write about my baking attempts and decorating ideas. I want to write about sitting at a desk in a public accounting firm surrounded by competitive egos, the moments of insanity that cause me to grind my teeth or belly laugh. I want to write about my family, to include my furball and our attempts to expand the size of our family. I want to write about our travels and our possible moves in the next few years. Above all I want to write about how there is the possibility of getting to the other side of chaos. There is a reality that shows me God's love for me and his desire to give me grace and mercy and to make sense of the craziness that can be my life. I only see today and the view of yesterday changes ever so slightly as I get older but tomorrow is waiting for me. Waiting with anticipation to show off what God has in store for me.
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