God took us on a path that we weren't thrilled with. WE had hopes and dreams of pregnancy and children and a larger family then the 3 we are now. Husband, wife and a furball. Names were sort of picked out and we laughed about what we'd do if this or that happened during pregnancy. I threatened to not tell him that I was in labor if they were just going to stick me with an IV needle in the hospital. Lots of pseudo plans and warm laughter about what we thought was to come. We prayed, we pleaded, we cried, we prayed. I always felt better when I was praying about it because I wasn't just praying for a baby, I was praying for peace about the whole situation and the grace to accept His will for us, regardless of what that was. Sometimes it's just not a lot of fun to be a "mature" christian. That's just the truth of things. Anyone who tells you different is much too concerned about how they look to you than how they look to God.
We went thru a few drs, went thru a lot of false hope, went thru too many pokes and prods. At a certain point we demanded that the drs level with us. They said that without IVF (which I can't do) that the average age that the body starts to change hormonally is 38. Ok, fair enough. 2 months after my 38th birthday and another cycle ended we formally gave up trying to get pregnant. We invited family and friends to a restaurant to honor the 6.5 years we tried and to remind us and everyone else who had been praying for us that we praise God anyways and thank them for standing with us in prayer. I needed a physical markation of time. I needed a day that we got together to "celebrate" the end of 6 long years. Sure, we didn't have a baby but we had gotten thru it and we were stronger for it. Our marriage was tested and strengthened during that time. I had seen plenty of marriages get shredded and destroyed all for the want of a baby. We had made it thru and were intact and strong.
However, the experience with the drs broke my heart. I was given some of my false hope from them! I wasn't Cyndi and my husband wasn't Tom. We were folders and people to be patted on the head and reassured. More than once I was told to stop thinking about it and it will happen. Well, that's a load of cocky pop because you have to think about it! You are timing things in very specific manners and then they want you to run pregnancy tests on certain days and ovulation tests on certain days. How do you "not think about it"?!? Plus, you could be the calmest person around and still not get pregnant. I explained to them that we were trusting God and that it was His will we were most concerned with and if that meant no pregnancy then that's what it meant. More than one nurse balked at me. The response I got to my faith was NOT encouraging. It was more condescending than anything. I'm the patient and they are the medical team and so they'll just let me have my little speech and nod their head and turn and walk away. I could see in their eyes that they were humoring me. Really NOT encouraging.
One of the times that I walked out of their offices, after having been humored, I saw 3 women sitting in the internal waiting room. I thought, "do these women have a strong enough foundation to survive this without breaking down?" I had that foundation but there were times I just wanted to cry at the attitude I was getting. They meant well but it was as if they were putting a little bit of acid on my floors. The damage was small but over time it would be allowed to cause doubt to invade my faith. My husband and I worked hard to keep each other in reality. Not a false sense of reality, but one that the fertility drs don't really want to talk to you about. Not everyone gets to be pregnant and not everyone who is pregnant gets to birth a healthy and viable baby. It's harsh but it's real.
The drs, however, have a goal. They are working off of percentages and what they see as success. To them the only success is a viable pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end. When a whole field of medicine agrees that there is only version of success? There is something wrong. Desperately wrong. Is that just my opinion? You bet! but I've lived it and so I've earned the right to speak my opinion. If your end result doesn't look like a success to them, what does that mean for you?
My heart broke and I became surrounded by these thoughts. Thoughts about how we were all hoping for a little one to embrace. Thoughts about how, in the middle of all the timing and needles and negative tests that we all could probably use an embrace from our spouse. Thoughts about how our husbands may be looking for an embrace. Thoughts about how we need to embrace our faith or foundation or whatever you want to call it. Thoughts about how, if we aren't able to get pregnant, we may be envisioning the embrace of an adopted little one. Thoughts about how, if we aren't interested in adopting, that there are still children out there that need our embrace, whether they are friend's kids or children in the neighborhood who need a big sister or big brother. So many embraces, so many needs, so many families that need to be embraced in the size and shape they are now. Look around you and see the families who are going thru fertility treatments and remind them that they are awesome just as they are and that, perhaps, a pregnancy isn't the only version of success ahead of them. Ya know, if they are ready to hear that. I'm ready. Are you?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
Green Grass
They say that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but we knew we were living without grass while we were in Virginia. We had a dirt plot. Very little grew and lot of what did grow were weeds. Around us we saw lovely lawns and gardens flourishing and blossoming. It makes you think that perhaps you aren't doing something right. You ask the head gardener, "hey, what do I need to add" and the answer, time after time, was "Ask me tomorrow". Being a human creation, well, that means that my patience wears thin. Where is my direction? My encouragement? Where is the relief? Whenever the smallest little plant would sprout up and start to bloom we would turn our attention towards it. At first we gave too much attention. We begged and pleaded for it to grow. Dumped fertilizer on it. Drowned it in water. Too much. Then we became jaded and we didn't want our hearts broken by another failure and so we didn't give enough attention to those tiny plants. Finally, after being told all those times, "Ask me tomorrow" we started to see a pattern. We were getting a glimpse of the head gardener's reason and plan. It wasn't our favorite idea but we saw a purpose. The next plants that sprouted up, despite our frustrations, we approached a little cautiously but with gardening tools in hand. A little fertilizer, a little more water, a little space to stretch it's leaves and petals. We turned to the head gardener to check the progress. Not as often as we should have, if truth be told. We got a little focused on these plants. It had been so long since we had seen anything growing in our little dirt plot. Still, the head gardener beckoned us back for more guidance. Reminding us that our attention alone wasn't going to make those plants grow. We needed to come back for encouragement and teaching from him. Plus, it gives us a little distance to really see the plant for what it was trying to become. It's amazing when you think one thing is growing and you turn around and find that it's taken a turn into something else entirely.
I had asked the head gardener many times why we needed to only have a barely growing plot instead of the thriving and lush gardens and yards we saw around us. More than once, he took me for a walk thru those other yards. Showed me weeds and bare patches that I couldn't see from my yard. Some yards were only growing along the fence and had barren spots in the center. I worried. What did my yard say about us? The head gardener chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we continued on. He said that the difference was that I wanted something to grow and came to him for help. Those people were very diligent in fostering growth where others could see and never asked him for help with the rest. While they were concerned that it look beautiful from the outside, he was more concerned with the entire yard. Still, I worried.
"Child, this will all make sense in due time but you are where you are for a reason and I wouldn't have you any other place"
This didn't make me happy, exactly. I mean, I'm glad to know that I wasn't some how falling behind but to know that all that work was only ever going to amount to this? That seemed frustrating and pointless.
Still, going back to the head gardener helped my husband and I to learn how to work together, as a team. We learned so much more since our attentions, mostly, were on what he was showing us and not what we had accomplished. We learned to trust his judgement over our fears. We learned to take the gardening tools he gave us and use them as instructed. It didn't always make sense but we did it anyways.
Then, one day, the head gardener came around and said that since we had been faithful with what he had given us that he would like us to work a new plot of land. I felt unworthy now. I felt like I hadn't proven myself at all worthy of any gifts. I felt like an ungrateful child who whined and complained. Again, he chuckled at me. Reminded me that if I kept worrying that I'd miss the task ahead.
There was a task ahead? Now he had my attention. He moved us to a plot that hasn't been worked yet. It's growing stuff but we aren't sure what's in here. Some of it lush and some of it brown. It seems overwhelming but then I heard a small voice behind me, "Ask me tomorrow".
I will.
I had asked the head gardener many times why we needed to only have a barely growing plot instead of the thriving and lush gardens and yards we saw around us. More than once, he took me for a walk thru those other yards. Showed me weeds and bare patches that I couldn't see from my yard. Some yards were only growing along the fence and had barren spots in the center. I worried. What did my yard say about us? The head gardener chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we continued on. He said that the difference was that I wanted something to grow and came to him for help. Those people were very diligent in fostering growth where others could see and never asked him for help with the rest. While they were concerned that it look beautiful from the outside, he was more concerned with the entire yard. Still, I worried.
"Child, this will all make sense in due time but you are where you are for a reason and I wouldn't have you any other place"
This didn't make me happy, exactly. I mean, I'm glad to know that I wasn't some how falling behind but to know that all that work was only ever going to amount to this? That seemed frustrating and pointless.
Still, going back to the head gardener helped my husband and I to learn how to work together, as a team. We learned so much more since our attentions, mostly, were on what he was showing us and not what we had accomplished. We learned to trust his judgement over our fears. We learned to take the gardening tools he gave us and use them as instructed. It didn't always make sense but we did it anyways.
Then, one day, the head gardener came around and said that since we had been faithful with what he had given us that he would like us to work a new plot of land. I felt unworthy now. I felt like I hadn't proven myself at all worthy of any gifts. I felt like an ungrateful child who whined and complained. Again, he chuckled at me. Reminded me that if I kept worrying that I'd miss the task ahead.
There was a task ahead? Now he had my attention. He moved us to a plot that hasn't been worked yet. It's growing stuff but we aren't sure what's in here. Some of it lush and some of it brown. It seems overwhelming but then I heard a small voice behind me, "Ask me tomorrow".
I will.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
External Value
I live in an accountant's world. It means that a lot of life comes down to the bottom line. A "what have you done for me lately" kind of existance. I don't fare well here. Never have. Not just in the accountant's world but in the whole "I'm going to keep track and make sure that I have more than you" kind of crap. It's not in the better part of my nature. The dark side of my nature, the one I battle with and end up tuckering myself out over, that one knows this part of life very well.
I am an accountant and so I understand the bottom line but I really have a hard time with the whole, "we need to decimate the other person to prove we are better" that tends to go along with it. What's the point? Where is the value?
I had my final evaluation here at this job. Once again I walked out of the room feeling less than spectacular about myself. 5yrs here and this was the closest I've come to feeling the slightest bit encouraged by the comments. The funny part is that the comments didn't really match up with the numerical value they placed on me. The FUNNIER part is that this was the first year, when I did my self evaluation, that I told them how I feel I do here and didn't try to moderate my value by how I think they see me. I gave myself a 4 out of 5 over all. I think overall I got a 3.5 out of 5 from them. Their comments, however, showed that they thought more of me then what the numbers tell.
And isn't that so true in life . . .
Part of the reason for my rise in self evaluation was because I've got a new job in a few weeks and a new city to live in and loads of things that we have been praying for seem to be coming along now. It's amazing when someone else values you that you value more about yourself. For as old as I am and as much as my head understands the concept, it still amazes me how powerful that effect is. It's stunning and, as I can recently attest to, if not monitored closely can lead to some powerful undermining of one's self. It's crazy!
Let's see, how do I fail others in their eyes
I'll never be the daughter that doesn't make my mom feel like she failed (wait, that's a double whammy)
I'll never be the christian I'm supposed to be (but God loves me anyway so why does it matter to others?)
I'll never be the accountant who gets everything perfect (even the IRS can't agree on a single answer)
I'll never be the Proverbs 31 wife (nope, no funny remarks there)
Except I know that, for the most part, others are too busy with their own lives to worry too terribly much about how I've failed them. However, that's not how it feels in the pit of my chest, when it feels like I'm 15 again and not quite good enough. Too tall to be taken for a kid, not old enough to be taken seriously. I have to remind myself that when I was that age I would look up to people in their 30s and 40s and take them serious. I have to remind myself that most people don't see the internal lack of value I sense and just see me as some person standing in front of them. I do an ok job of shining it on . . . until the evaluations at work come around. They remind me that I don't make everyone happy and that I don't fit in around here. I have yet to figure out how to still shine them on when it's in black and white in front of me.
I'm working on it tho. It's times like these that I very much appreciate the encouragement I get from others. It helps remind me that those other people are not the only people in my life. They remind me that the value assigned by others is not the only value I have, if that's a value I actually have. Maybe it says more about them then about me.
I am an accountant and so I understand the bottom line but I really have a hard time with the whole, "we need to decimate the other person to prove we are better" that tends to go along with it. What's the point? Where is the value?
I had my final evaluation here at this job. Once again I walked out of the room feeling less than spectacular about myself. 5yrs here and this was the closest I've come to feeling the slightest bit encouraged by the comments. The funny part is that the comments didn't really match up with the numerical value they placed on me. The FUNNIER part is that this was the first year, when I did my self evaluation, that I told them how I feel I do here and didn't try to moderate my value by how I think they see me. I gave myself a 4 out of 5 over all. I think overall I got a 3.5 out of 5 from them. Their comments, however, showed that they thought more of me then what the numbers tell.
And isn't that so true in life . . .
Part of the reason for my rise in self evaluation was because I've got a new job in a few weeks and a new city to live in and loads of things that we have been praying for seem to be coming along now. It's amazing when someone else values you that you value more about yourself. For as old as I am and as much as my head understands the concept, it still amazes me how powerful that effect is. It's stunning and, as I can recently attest to, if not monitored closely can lead to some powerful undermining of one's self. It's crazy!
Let's see, how do I fail others in their eyes
I'll never be the daughter that doesn't make my mom feel like she failed (wait, that's a double whammy)
I'll never be the christian I'm supposed to be (but God loves me anyway so why does it matter to others?)
I'll never be the accountant who gets everything perfect (even the IRS can't agree on a single answer)
I'll never be the Proverbs 31 wife (nope, no funny remarks there)
Except I know that, for the most part, others are too busy with their own lives to worry too terribly much about how I've failed them. However, that's not how it feels in the pit of my chest, when it feels like I'm 15 again and not quite good enough. Too tall to be taken for a kid, not old enough to be taken seriously. I have to remind myself that when I was that age I would look up to people in their 30s and 40s and take them serious. I have to remind myself that most people don't see the internal lack of value I sense and just see me as some person standing in front of them. I do an ok job of shining it on . . . until the evaluations at work come around. They remind me that I don't make everyone happy and that I don't fit in around here. I have yet to figure out how to still shine them on when it's in black and white in front of me.
I'm working on it tho. It's times like these that I very much appreciate the encouragement I get from others. It helps remind me that those other people are not the only people in my life. They remind me that the value assigned by others is not the only value I have, if that's a value I actually have. Maybe it says more about them then about me.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Getting bawled out by an unknown teenager
"Ya know, when I was a kid" and that was all it took for me to tune out whatever my parents were saying to me. Heck, any adult who was starting a lecture with that got the glassied eye look from me. Yawn. Who cares, that was then and this is now. However, never EVER would I have ever thought about verbalizing that or giving that attitude to the adult in front of me. If I did I could expect some repercussions. Serious repercussions. Depending on what I did, insane and crazy repercussions. Except, since I had earned them, I wasn't surprised when they came my way. I learned real quick to not roll my eyes in front of my mother but wait til I had turned my back.
Not any more. Boy oh boy it's a new world. One where teenagers are allowed or expected to have foul mouths and nasty attitudes and feel like they are already owed a living. It's crazy. When I speak up about it I get told that I don't understand since I'm not a parent. First, I don't need to be a parent to know that you do not speak to strangers and elders that way. How would being a parent change my mind on this issue?? Second, take my critism as it is, a critique of your parenting skills. My parents had enough skills to raise me to be respectful so I'm expecting no less from you. I would expect no less from myself if I were blessed to raise children.
In this new world it all seems to be about the defensive position and sending out blame. It's never my fault, it's your fault and you have no right to be upset. The fact that I just cut you off in traffic or abused my child in a grocery store or allowed my 14yr old to vandalise property right in front of me? Nope, not my fault but HOW DARE YOU step in to correct my child when I haven't felt the need to! How Rude!!!!
Yeah, this new world of childrearing is for the birds. Who are being being raised?? What will we get from this seed that is being planted?? Sure there are good kids out there and they have parents who love them and take their responsibility seriously. Good for them! Too bad they aren't applauded more and used as the bar setters for the rest of the parents. That used to be the norm. Then the word shame took on a different meaning and we all ran to make sure that we never used that word again. Wrong again! The word is valid and should be used where it belongs. A child victim of abuse should never feel shame. However, the abuser should feel shame until it overwhelms him and he feels smaller than he made his victim feel. The victim of rape should never feel shame, but the rapist should! Shame is not a bad word, how it was being used may have been wrong.
So now we have a generation of kids who don't know the appropriate usage of the word shame and they are being taught that if they want something then they deserve it. The parents of these kids, more often than not, in my experience with them, don't involve themselves emotionally, spiritually or constructively. Life is all about them and this whole raising kids thing is just something else they have to pencil in on the calendar. So, why are we so surprised when the kids behave as if it's all about some social calendar and not about human interaction.
When I say, "if it was good enough for me then it's good enough for you" it's because I am a citizen of this country, pay my taxes, obey the laws (except that pesky 55mph but then if I get a ticket I know I earned it) and try to look out for my fellow citizen. It's not a higher standard than I have for myself and it's not a higher standard than my parents had for me or themselves. If it aint' broke don't fix it. Our pendulum has swung too far to the other side and once again we are catering to an entire generation. Maybe if more people thought of children as a blessing and not a right? Maybe that would be a good place to start.
Not any more. Boy oh boy it's a new world. One where teenagers are allowed or expected to have foul mouths and nasty attitudes and feel like they are already owed a living. It's crazy. When I speak up about it I get told that I don't understand since I'm not a parent. First, I don't need to be a parent to know that you do not speak to strangers and elders that way. How would being a parent change my mind on this issue?? Second, take my critism as it is, a critique of your parenting skills. My parents had enough skills to raise me to be respectful so I'm expecting no less from you. I would expect no less from myself if I were blessed to raise children.
In this new world it all seems to be about the defensive position and sending out blame. It's never my fault, it's your fault and you have no right to be upset. The fact that I just cut you off in traffic or abused my child in a grocery store or allowed my 14yr old to vandalise property right in front of me? Nope, not my fault but HOW DARE YOU step in to correct my child when I haven't felt the need to! How Rude!!!!
Yeah, this new world of childrearing is for the birds. Who are being being raised?? What will we get from this seed that is being planted?? Sure there are good kids out there and they have parents who love them and take their responsibility seriously. Good for them! Too bad they aren't applauded more and used as the bar setters for the rest of the parents. That used to be the norm. Then the word shame took on a different meaning and we all ran to make sure that we never used that word again. Wrong again! The word is valid and should be used where it belongs. A child victim of abuse should never feel shame. However, the abuser should feel shame until it overwhelms him and he feels smaller than he made his victim feel. The victim of rape should never feel shame, but the rapist should! Shame is not a bad word, how it was being used may have been wrong.
So now we have a generation of kids who don't know the appropriate usage of the word shame and they are being taught that if they want something then they deserve it. The parents of these kids, more often than not, in my experience with them, don't involve themselves emotionally, spiritually or constructively. Life is all about them and this whole raising kids thing is just something else they have to pencil in on the calendar. So, why are we so surprised when the kids behave as if it's all about some social calendar and not about human interaction.
When I say, "if it was good enough for me then it's good enough for you" it's because I am a citizen of this country, pay my taxes, obey the laws (except that pesky 55mph but then if I get a ticket I know I earned it) and try to look out for my fellow citizen. It's not a higher standard than I have for myself and it's not a higher standard than my parents had for me or themselves. If it aint' broke don't fix it. Our pendulum has swung too far to the other side and once again we are catering to an entire generation. Maybe if more people thought of children as a blessing and not a right? Maybe that would be a good place to start.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Labels
So, this trip thru infertility land has brought me closer to God and His plans for us. Well, not closer to His plans, per se, but to having a fuller appreciation to how awesome God is and that I just need to shut up and trust Him with His plans. He knows best, after all.
I/We got labelled infertile. Admittedly, that label falls hardest on the woman because somehow it is assumed that we are magical creature who can just wish a baby into existence, right? It's all on our shoulders because it all happens inside of us. I didn't realize that I, too, held that thought until I came slamming into it during our passage thru the desert (Somebody please read "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson). The hubby didn't get the sad eyes and heart breaking attempts to comfort him the way I did. Men don't really relate to one another like that. I'm sure on his end he feels like he got the whole, "aren't man enough, eh??" but that can be refuted by sit ups and pull ups and blood work that says your hormones are fine and so are your sperm. Since the mixing goes on within the woman, I'm not only responsible for having healthy eggs and open tubes, but of having a hospitable growing area and a healthy enough body to carry the baby. Maybe we are magical creatures =) (that one is for you Andie and Miriam).
So, it was odd that I felt the weight of this label. It felt heavy and as if I was wearing a backpacking pack to go swimming. It didn't fit and it was uncomfortable and I tried to shift it around so that I could fit into the conceptions of those around me. I'm not going to call them misconceptions because that really goes too far. We all have our own thoughts and feelings and if I'm going to write what I'm about to write then I need to make sure I'm in line with my own thoughts. They aren't misconceptions, they are the views of those people who have either never experienced not being able to get pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy. That is the path that God put them on and it comes with it's own ups and down.
I have a history with labels. Not a pleasant one. I understand the usefullness of labels and for that purpose alone I don't have a problem with it. It's when we use those labels to attempt to impose our views onto someone else that it becomes a problem. What I'm learning right now is to not accept those attempts to impose a view on me. Just because someone sees me as something doesn't mean I have to embrace that or reject that. That is their view and what they do with that is their business. I'm a people pleaser so this is hard for me to not react to these things. Some people impose on purpose. Who knows why, exactly, but maybe it makes life easier for them when they can pigeon hole someone. They feel like they know all about you now and you aren't a mystery to them. Some people impose without meaning to. It may be a defense mechanism from some horror they experienced in a different lifetime. I have labels for people but I try to use them only for my benefit and not for some kind of imposition. I grew up in a chaotic home and so it was good to know who felt safe and who didn't. As I grew older I could put information together from people I had labelled the same to see if I was right about the next person. It's amazing how easily those of us who were not treated very well in childhood can tend to find each other in large groups. It's always a good thing to be able to know who became victims, aggressors or survivors.
Anyways, infertile. As I've said before, I'm more than my uterus or my ability to get pregnant. That does not define me and I have never felt like it did. Others have, but I haven't. It's why I cringe when someone wishes me a "Happy Mother's Day" because they feel sorry for me. They assume that I carry a shame or an incapacitating sorrow and I need to be comforted. They are trying to be nice so I have to meet them where they are trying to meet me. That's biblical and I do ok with that. Being infertile is a diagnosis and some kind of attempt to explain why what comes so easily to others didn't for us. For it to be more than that is giving it way too much power. It is one of many paths that God has placed us on.
The funny thing is that God has put a lot of old ideas to the test with this lesson. I feel like God is charging me with the task of opening eyes to the damage labels CAN bring. They don't always, but they can. They can also limit our thinking about our own lives. How many people feel blessed to be labelled infertile? Not many. But when you move beyond that label? how blessed can we feel? should we feel? This whole label thing ties back to God's instructions to love God and love my neighbor. Whatever they have chosen to do with their lives is between them and God. My job is to not let those choices prevent me from loving them. It doesn't mean I have to put myself into dangerous situations to prove I'm doing what God wants me to do. It means I have to show God's love and mercy and grace to ALL of God's creation. I can believe that your choice is a sin but I'm still supposed to love you. I may have to protect myself from you but it means I need to have God's heart for you and pray for your suffering. Not that you would suffer, but because the idea is that you hurt me because you, yourself, are hurting. Stay with me on this!
I can give an awesome example: my 1st stepfather is someone I would label a monster. He hated women. Pure and simple and I really struggled with this because he made it his personal agenda to humiliate those of us in the house. I, personally, think that he was embarrassed that I was probably smarter than him by the time I was 5. That's a personal guess, tho. Maybe a label. Anyways, I grew to feel so very justified in labelling him a monster. To the point that I had a hatred of him in my heart. A blackness that would overshadow the real me if I thought about him for even a moment too long, one memory too many. Then, when I was in my mid-20s God lead me to call over to his house to speak to my kid brother (his child). That was all God because my kid brother and I hardly speak to each other. A female answers the phone and immediately I am between a 5yr old and an adult. I recognize the voice that I haven't heard in 20yrs. It was my former stepfather's mother. We chatted for a few minutes. In those few minutes she managed to let me know, very clearly, just how little she thought of boys. My heart sank. She has 4 sons, to include the monster from my childhood. God was gracious enough to let me see where his pain was coming from in order to heal my pain. Does that mean I would want him around me or my family? Absolutely not! Does that mean I have stopped calling him a monster? Nope. But it does mean that I have a deeper understanding of why he was the person he was and that gives me a fuller view of him. He isn't JUST a monster. He's a little boy who never measured up to his mother. He's got some kind of twisted view of woman that they must be perfect and when we weren't? We paid a price. The other side of that is when I was younger and I thought, "this guy is a monster" it was this stepfather that I could compare him to and if the shoe fit? *waves* Buh-Bye! I didn't restrict him by my label, I just wasn't going to expose myself to any toxic crap he may have had on him.
As with all things, there are 2 sides and all things must be used in moderation. Lets be open minded enough to see where others are coming from and try to meet them where they are trying to meet us.
I/We got labelled infertile. Admittedly, that label falls hardest on the woman because somehow it is assumed that we are magical creature who can just wish a baby into existence, right? It's all on our shoulders because it all happens inside of us. I didn't realize that I, too, held that thought until I came slamming into it during our passage thru the desert (Somebody please read "The Dream Giver" by Bruce Wilkinson). The hubby didn't get the sad eyes and heart breaking attempts to comfort him the way I did. Men don't really relate to one another like that. I'm sure on his end he feels like he got the whole, "aren't man enough, eh??" but that can be refuted by sit ups and pull ups and blood work that says your hormones are fine and so are your sperm. Since the mixing goes on within the woman, I'm not only responsible for having healthy eggs and open tubes, but of having a hospitable growing area and a healthy enough body to carry the baby. Maybe we are magical creatures =) (that one is for you Andie and Miriam).
So, it was odd that I felt the weight of this label. It felt heavy and as if I was wearing a backpacking pack to go swimming. It didn't fit and it was uncomfortable and I tried to shift it around so that I could fit into the conceptions of those around me. I'm not going to call them misconceptions because that really goes too far. We all have our own thoughts and feelings and if I'm going to write what I'm about to write then I need to make sure I'm in line with my own thoughts. They aren't misconceptions, they are the views of those people who have either never experienced not being able to get pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy. That is the path that God put them on and it comes with it's own ups and down.
I have a history with labels. Not a pleasant one. I understand the usefullness of labels and for that purpose alone I don't have a problem with it. It's when we use those labels to attempt to impose our views onto someone else that it becomes a problem. What I'm learning right now is to not accept those attempts to impose a view on me. Just because someone sees me as something doesn't mean I have to embrace that or reject that. That is their view and what they do with that is their business. I'm a people pleaser so this is hard for me to not react to these things. Some people impose on purpose. Who knows why, exactly, but maybe it makes life easier for them when they can pigeon hole someone. They feel like they know all about you now and you aren't a mystery to them. Some people impose without meaning to. It may be a defense mechanism from some horror they experienced in a different lifetime. I have labels for people but I try to use them only for my benefit and not for some kind of imposition. I grew up in a chaotic home and so it was good to know who felt safe and who didn't. As I grew older I could put information together from people I had labelled the same to see if I was right about the next person. It's amazing how easily those of us who were not treated very well in childhood can tend to find each other in large groups. It's always a good thing to be able to know who became victims, aggressors or survivors.
Anyways, infertile. As I've said before, I'm more than my uterus or my ability to get pregnant. That does not define me and I have never felt like it did. Others have, but I haven't. It's why I cringe when someone wishes me a "Happy Mother's Day" because they feel sorry for me. They assume that I carry a shame or an incapacitating sorrow and I need to be comforted. They are trying to be nice so I have to meet them where they are trying to meet me. That's biblical and I do ok with that. Being infertile is a diagnosis and some kind of attempt to explain why what comes so easily to others didn't for us. For it to be more than that is giving it way too much power. It is one of many paths that God has placed us on.
The funny thing is that God has put a lot of old ideas to the test with this lesson. I feel like God is charging me with the task of opening eyes to the damage labels CAN bring. They don't always, but they can. They can also limit our thinking about our own lives. How many people feel blessed to be labelled infertile? Not many. But when you move beyond that label? how blessed can we feel? should we feel? This whole label thing ties back to God's instructions to love God and love my neighbor. Whatever they have chosen to do with their lives is between them and God. My job is to not let those choices prevent me from loving them. It doesn't mean I have to put myself into dangerous situations to prove I'm doing what God wants me to do. It means I have to show God's love and mercy and grace to ALL of God's creation. I can believe that your choice is a sin but I'm still supposed to love you. I may have to protect myself from you but it means I need to have God's heart for you and pray for your suffering. Not that you would suffer, but because the idea is that you hurt me because you, yourself, are hurting. Stay with me on this!
I can give an awesome example: my 1st stepfather is someone I would label a monster. He hated women. Pure and simple and I really struggled with this because he made it his personal agenda to humiliate those of us in the house. I, personally, think that he was embarrassed that I was probably smarter than him by the time I was 5. That's a personal guess, tho. Maybe a label. Anyways, I grew to feel so very justified in labelling him a monster. To the point that I had a hatred of him in my heart. A blackness that would overshadow the real me if I thought about him for even a moment too long, one memory too many. Then, when I was in my mid-20s God lead me to call over to his house to speak to my kid brother (his child). That was all God because my kid brother and I hardly speak to each other. A female answers the phone and immediately I am between a 5yr old and an adult. I recognize the voice that I haven't heard in 20yrs. It was my former stepfather's mother. We chatted for a few minutes. In those few minutes she managed to let me know, very clearly, just how little she thought of boys. My heart sank. She has 4 sons, to include the monster from my childhood. God was gracious enough to let me see where his pain was coming from in order to heal my pain. Does that mean I would want him around me or my family? Absolutely not! Does that mean I have stopped calling him a monster? Nope. But it does mean that I have a deeper understanding of why he was the person he was and that gives me a fuller view of him. He isn't JUST a monster. He's a little boy who never measured up to his mother. He's got some kind of twisted view of woman that they must be perfect and when we weren't? We paid a price. The other side of that is when I was younger and I thought, "this guy is a monster" it was this stepfather that I could compare him to and if the shoe fit? *waves* Buh-Bye! I didn't restrict him by my label, I just wasn't going to expose myself to any toxic crap he may have had on him.
As with all things, there are 2 sides and all things must be used in moderation. Lets be open minded enough to see where others are coming from and try to meet them where they are trying to meet us.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Moving on
So, our wait was not unfruitful. God has a sense of humor,of that I am certain. Over the course of my life, both just in time and my spiritual life, He likes to remind me that not only is he in control but that He has quite a vivid sense of humor. He also likes to remind us of who we are with AND without Him. Sometimes scary, sometimes just sad. Either way, good to be reminded every now and again.
No no, we aren't pregnant. Put away those celebratory items. Bring out the moving truck celebratory items!! After a long wait, longer for me because I felt like we had our answer last year, we are moving towards a new state. Let the cheering begin!!!! HAZZAH!! Wahoo!! and all that!
My husband recently became unemployed (long story, not worth it) and it was the final message from God he needed to move ahead. Normally I'd be freaked out by this but so far, not so much. I'd still feel better if he just got some kind of "in the mean time" job for the sake of the finances but I know that God will deliver us in whatever fashion He sees fit. Normally we don't go fancy so we aren't in too much need =) We talked and it was decided that who ever got the first job dictated where we'd move. Yeah, I know, sounds real scientific and thought involving. We felt that God was sending us so He'd make a way. We prayed and prayed and I, of course, worried and prayed some more. Then I got a job interview and Tom found out that he'd have to take a test for any law enforcement job he wanted to apply for in FL. So, as it turned out, my formal face-to-face interview took place on the same day as the test for Tom. Tom rocked that test and I accepted a new position. We've got some wonderful friends there who will let me stay with them while Tom finishes prepping the house for renting and then he'll join me. He also just got an acceptance of one of his applications that means he can test for that specific job (on the tests: There is a generic law enforcement test in FL that is required by all jurisdictions and then each jurisdiction or agency can add to that with their own test or whatever).
I leave here in a few weeks and I'm so giddy that I almost don't want to come to work here any more because I just want to go down there now and find a place to live and start the new chapter in our life. I'm ready, so ready, to move on! Obviously I'll keep coming to work and doing my job but for the first time in many, many moons I feel joy again. I know, it's probably just excitement over the new direction we are headed. However, if that's true, then it's the first time in many, many moons that I've felt excitement.
I just find it funny that God used unemployment to get thru to my hubby and a lack of income for the family to bring me excitement. Just goes to prove that he created to very stubborn and hard headed children and it's a good thing we are together and not bothering other people who wouldn't know what to do with us. You are hilarious God!!! Thank you!!
No no, we aren't pregnant. Put away those celebratory items. Bring out the moving truck celebratory items!! After a long wait, longer for me because I felt like we had our answer last year, we are moving towards a new state. Let the cheering begin!!!! HAZZAH!! Wahoo!! and all that!
My husband recently became unemployed (long story, not worth it) and it was the final message from God he needed to move ahead. Normally I'd be freaked out by this but so far, not so much. I'd still feel better if he just got some kind of "in the mean time" job for the sake of the finances but I know that God will deliver us in whatever fashion He sees fit. Normally we don't go fancy so we aren't in too much need =) We talked and it was decided that who ever got the first job dictated where we'd move. Yeah, I know, sounds real scientific and thought involving. We felt that God was sending us so He'd make a way. We prayed and prayed and I, of course, worried and prayed some more. Then I got a job interview and Tom found out that he'd have to take a test for any law enforcement job he wanted to apply for in FL. So, as it turned out, my formal face-to-face interview took place on the same day as the test for Tom. Tom rocked that test and I accepted a new position. We've got some wonderful friends there who will let me stay with them while Tom finishes prepping the house for renting and then he'll join me. He also just got an acceptance of one of his applications that means he can test for that specific job (on the tests: There is a generic law enforcement test in FL that is required by all jurisdictions and then each jurisdiction or agency can add to that with their own test or whatever).
I leave here in a few weeks and I'm so giddy that I almost don't want to come to work here any more because I just want to go down there now and find a place to live and start the new chapter in our life. I'm ready, so ready, to move on! Obviously I'll keep coming to work and doing my job but for the first time in many, many moons I feel joy again. I know, it's probably just excitement over the new direction we are headed. However, if that's true, then it's the first time in many, many moons that I've felt excitement.
I just find it funny that God used unemployment to get thru to my hubby and a lack of income for the family to bring me excitement. Just goes to prove that he created to very stubborn and hard headed children and it's a good thing we are together and not bothering other people who wouldn't know what to do with us. You are hilarious God!!! Thank you!!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thinking back
I am not thrilled that a lot of what I type here is not upbeat and as happy as I sometimes feel. Being in Virginia has been quite difficult for my husband and I. We don't understand the social settings around here and after getting "beaten up" in N. Virginia we made a retreat of sorts to the Virginia Beach area in hopes of happier times. By comparison, the hampton roads area is a better place than Washington DC or N Virginia. That I say with no sarcasm. It is better and calmer and less upsetting. Being big city people, my husband and I thought nothing of moving to the DC area. It's just a new big city. What's the problem?
HA!
Anyways, we got down here and found it to be more agreeable . . . for a time. Since approximately 2006, our time here has been a time of waiting. Waiting to see if we would get pregnant, waiting for a new job for me, waiting for a new career for Tom, waiting for Tom to finish his schooling, more waiting to see if we got pregnant, more waiting for new jobs and careers. Lots of waiting. Not my favorite past time but God uses this time to train us. I understand that. I'm not so great at waiting with joy but He's working on that with me, too. During the pregnancy waiting He honed my skills at accepting His will in our lives. I'm very grateful for that.
I think what makes it so hard to be overly happy here for me is that I am an eternal opptomist. I want to see the brighter side of things. I want to laugh and enjoy my time and what I find is that there is little room to be who I am around here. Loads of stereotypes and loads and assumptions and loads of being reminded of your place (my place around here is as a "yankee" and "outsider" and "weirdo from CA" depending on the situation). I enjoy being from MN. I enjoy having cut my adult teeth in So CA. I am who I am and I am who God is creating me to be. Not good enough for a lot of people around these parts. Which is too bad on so many levels. I keep getting told how much people enjoy spending time with me but then they don't spend time with me. By the time I get into a social setting I'm ready to bust and I have realized that I now just bust out in some sort of attempt to connect with someone, anyone and probably overwhelm some people. I just figured out that last part and will work on it. I want to encourage friends and not scare them away.
I digress . . . .
I am a happy person and it makes me sad that so many people I interact with on very shallow level seem to take it on as their personal mission to insure that their happiness is somehow my responsibility. That if I don't take that on as my personal mission then I am somehow depriving them of their happiness. Being here only encourages my struggles as a type A people pleaser. That is not healthy for me. It's been 10 long years of walking around on egg shells and it's time to move on. I find, tho, that when I start to encourage myself to BE myself that it alienates more people. So, either me and my happiness don't fit in around here or a ton of people in So CA have low standards in their friends. While the last part amuses me to put that in writing? I'm pretty sure it's the former. Which makes me sad.
However, if I'm supposed to be who God made me to be, maybe it's time I start being that person and stop trying to be who they want me to be around here. Now, who is that person? I have grown lots since I left CA but I suspect that I need to think back to CA to remember the person I was as a foundation of where to start. It was nice to have friends who wanted to spend time with me. I miss that. Even if being who God wants me to be means having no friends out here, well, so be it. God didn't promise an easy life, he actually promised troubles and strife. I am not of this world and so there will be troubles and strife. Having such a non-existant social life for almost 10yrs has been an incredible hardship. If I lose the social interaction of people who don't really want to be socially interactive with me, what have I truly lost? I've lost falseness. That will initially feel like a loss but it will actually be a gain in the long run.
So, wow, 10yrs back . . . . can I remember back that far? Oh yes, yes I can and here comes my smile. *happy sigh*
HA!
Anyways, we got down here and found it to be more agreeable . . . for a time. Since approximately 2006, our time here has been a time of waiting. Waiting to see if we would get pregnant, waiting for a new job for me, waiting for a new career for Tom, waiting for Tom to finish his schooling, more waiting to see if we got pregnant, more waiting for new jobs and careers. Lots of waiting. Not my favorite past time but God uses this time to train us. I understand that. I'm not so great at waiting with joy but He's working on that with me, too. During the pregnancy waiting He honed my skills at accepting His will in our lives. I'm very grateful for that.
I think what makes it so hard to be overly happy here for me is that I am an eternal opptomist. I want to see the brighter side of things. I want to laugh and enjoy my time and what I find is that there is little room to be who I am around here. Loads of stereotypes and loads and assumptions and loads of being reminded of your place (my place around here is as a "yankee" and "outsider" and "weirdo from CA" depending on the situation). I enjoy being from MN. I enjoy having cut my adult teeth in So CA. I am who I am and I am who God is creating me to be. Not good enough for a lot of people around these parts. Which is too bad on so many levels. I keep getting told how much people enjoy spending time with me but then they don't spend time with me. By the time I get into a social setting I'm ready to bust and I have realized that I now just bust out in some sort of attempt to connect with someone, anyone and probably overwhelm some people. I just figured out that last part and will work on it. I want to encourage friends and not scare them away.
I digress . . . .
I am a happy person and it makes me sad that so many people I interact with on very shallow level seem to take it on as their personal mission to insure that their happiness is somehow my responsibility. That if I don't take that on as my personal mission then I am somehow depriving them of their happiness. Being here only encourages my struggles as a type A people pleaser. That is not healthy for me. It's been 10 long years of walking around on egg shells and it's time to move on. I find, tho, that when I start to encourage myself to BE myself that it alienates more people. So, either me and my happiness don't fit in around here or a ton of people in So CA have low standards in their friends. While the last part amuses me to put that in writing? I'm pretty sure it's the former. Which makes me sad.
However, if I'm supposed to be who God made me to be, maybe it's time I start being that person and stop trying to be who they want me to be around here. Now, who is that person? I have grown lots since I left CA but I suspect that I need to think back to CA to remember the person I was as a foundation of where to start. It was nice to have friends who wanted to spend time with me. I miss that. Even if being who God wants me to be means having no friends out here, well, so be it. God didn't promise an easy life, he actually promised troubles and strife. I am not of this world and so there will be troubles and strife. Having such a non-existant social life for almost 10yrs has been an incredible hardship. If I lose the social interaction of people who don't really want to be socially interactive with me, what have I truly lost? I've lost falseness. That will initially feel like a loss but it will actually be a gain in the long run.
So, wow, 10yrs back . . . . can I remember back that far? Oh yes, yes I can and here comes my smile. *happy sigh*
Monday, March 28, 2011
Brain Mush
There is a saying in the accounting world: Everyone has to go thru public accounting. If you want your CPA, you will visit at least one firm in your career. Even if you arent interested in your CPA, it is very likely that you will cut your teeth in a public accounting firm. It's something we all get to do. If you've read any of my other posts you will already know that I have come to the conclusion that I do not fit into this world. I am not compatible on a personality level. I can match them for intensity and loyalty but since I refuse to make them my entire focus and blow off life outside of the office, well, you can see how that's going to work out. Still, it's the end of March and I have a whole other month ahead of me of tax season. The kids that think they have it hard, well, they started tax season 2 weeks after we did and they'll stop 2 weeks before we do. Those staff accountants have got nothing on those of us who do the bookkeeping and take care of the payroll. We are hard core.
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
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