I was having a conversation with my husband and it really pricked my brain to get back up here and write something. I have been wanting to return to my blog and then I froze. A few friends mentioned that they read what I wrote and I freaked out. They didn't give me any feedback (thanks you guys, seriously, because I may have just shut this down entirely) but it was weird to find out that someone read my words. I really am good at math and I really enjoy Accounting. I get super excited when a bank rec works out, especially one that takes work and insane concentration. I'm the girl you want looking at your bank rec when you've screwed it up for the last 2 years. I have a knack!
I digress. Type A, first born girl comes along, smart and funny and is specifically good at math and science and hates writing papers and enjoys playing the piano. When you think of your child and how you want to encourage your child in a direction that will give them a career, well, it's easier to help your child find a career that will give them consistant work than it is to basically ask them to have to beg for every dollar they earn. I have plenty of musicians in my family and none of them are touring the country in a rock band or with some high end symphany. I totally understand. Accounting is stable and consistant. Accounting equates paychecks. Got it!
So, in my heart and mind are these ideas. These crazy ideas for stories or just a concept or a "lets make a story for the person in the car next to us because she already has our attention" because she's singing at the top of her lungs or she's pissed and putting on lipstick in her rear view mirror. Or whatever. It's a trick I use when I'm trying really hard to find something redeeming about someone who is really just annoying me! It helps me find mercy and calm down.
It's scary for me to type all this up and put it out there. Much more scary to put my creative ideas in print and put them out there. I have less than 8K words put down towards the NaNoWriMo project. However, I kind of scared myself. Once I put the initial idea down and started thinking about what would happen next, the ideas didn't just pop into my head but they started to roll out. I have a concept for this whole project and it's coming out into the paper. If there was some way to stay home tomorrow from work and just type it out and reach the 50K words, I would. Time isn't on my side for this but that's my fault for letting it scare me. I mean, no one has read what I've typed and I only just told my husband tonight that I was even trying for it.
The fear is parallizing and an incredible obstacle. It tells me that all those pictures in my head of succeeding will just lead me down a path that is unfamiliar to me and who knows if it pay the bills. See, I jump straight to a writing project to abandoning my accounting career to creating novels that no one will buy. I think that's part of our charm as first borns. We are able to see the beginning and the end. I think it's part of what helps us succeed in life. It's also what makes us neurotic. We can't just enjoy an idea and all it's possibilities. It's so hard for us to enjoy the moment. We are forever thinking ahead to what will happen 5 min from now, 8 hours from now, 2 weeks from now, 10 years from now. It makes for craziness!
Sometimes I'm my worst enemy and sometimes I'm my best friend.
The joy I want to feel brings warmth to me and a smile to my face. The fear brings a cold and ice and it stops my ideas and my positive thinking. Nothing out of the ordinary. I'm sure there are no less than 100 self help books out there that would tell me how allowing this fear will incapacitate my life. I get all that. However, when the ice really starts to freaze things it's not like it's a complete change in 2 minutes. It happens slowly and over time and you forget that those ideas were bouncy and happy and moved around and now they are stuck in the ice and don't move and just lay there. As if to mock me with their lack of moving. They can't go away because they are stuck in the ice. They can't morph into their full potential because they are stuck in the ice. They can't encourage me because . . . well, you get the idea. So, I decided that this was getting me no where. I told my husband about the writing project and that had an amazing effect. I know that I'm not going to ever get those 50K words down by Tuesday. However, releasing that information was like taking a chisel to the ice. Small cracks and some shifting of the water underneath meant that I felt like it was time to post a blog here. It also helped me feel like doing nothing tomorrow but type for the project. There are obligations and I doubt I'd get even 4hrs of typing in. I can type fast but not that fast!
Still, as a literal winter breaks in our atmosphere. I feel like spring may be around the corner in my head.
