God took us on a path that we weren't thrilled with. WE had hopes and dreams of pregnancy and children and a larger family then the 3 we are now. Husband, wife and a furball. Names were sort of picked out and we laughed about what we'd do if this or that happened during pregnancy. I threatened to not tell him that I was in labor if they were just going to stick me with an IV needle in the hospital. Lots of pseudo plans and warm laughter about what we thought was to come. We prayed, we pleaded, we cried, we prayed. I always felt better when I was praying about it because I wasn't just praying for a baby, I was praying for peace about the whole situation and the grace to accept His will for us, regardless of what that was. Sometimes it's just not a lot of fun to be a "mature" christian. That's just the truth of things. Anyone who tells you different is much too concerned about how they look to you than how they look to God.
We went thru a few drs, went thru a lot of false hope, went thru too many pokes and prods. At a certain point we demanded that the drs level with us. They said that without IVF (which I can't do) that the average age that the body starts to change hormonally is 38. Ok, fair enough. 2 months after my 38th birthday and another cycle ended we formally gave up trying to get pregnant. We invited family and friends to a restaurant to honor the 6.5 years we tried and to remind us and everyone else who had been praying for us that we praise God anyways and thank them for standing with us in prayer. I needed a physical markation of time. I needed a day that we got together to "celebrate" the end of 6 long years. Sure, we didn't have a baby but we had gotten thru it and we were stronger for it. Our marriage was tested and strengthened during that time. I had seen plenty of marriages get shredded and destroyed all for the want of a baby. We had made it thru and were intact and strong.
However, the experience with the drs broke my heart. I was given some of my false hope from them! I wasn't Cyndi and my husband wasn't Tom. We were folders and people to be patted on the head and reassured. More than once I was told to stop thinking about it and it will happen. Well, that's a load of cocky pop because you have to think about it! You are timing things in very specific manners and then they want you to run pregnancy tests on certain days and ovulation tests on certain days. How do you "not think about it"?!? Plus, you could be the calmest person around and still not get pregnant. I explained to them that we were trusting God and that it was His will we were most concerned with and if that meant no pregnancy then that's what it meant. More than one nurse balked at me. The response I got to my faith was NOT encouraging. It was more condescending than anything. I'm the patient and they are the medical team and so they'll just let me have my little speech and nod their head and turn and walk away. I could see in their eyes that they were humoring me. Really NOT encouraging.
One of the times that I walked out of their offices, after having been humored, I saw 3 women sitting in the internal waiting room. I thought, "do these women have a strong enough foundation to survive this without breaking down?" I had that foundation but there were times I just wanted to cry at the attitude I was getting. They meant well but it was as if they were putting a little bit of acid on my floors. The damage was small but over time it would be allowed to cause doubt to invade my faith. My husband and I worked hard to keep each other in reality. Not a false sense of reality, but one that the fertility drs don't really want to talk to you about. Not everyone gets to be pregnant and not everyone who is pregnant gets to birth a healthy and viable baby. It's harsh but it's real.
The drs, however, have a goal. They are working off of percentages and what they see as success. To them the only success is a viable pregnancy with a healthy baby at the end. When a whole field of medicine agrees that there is only version of success? There is something wrong. Desperately wrong. Is that just my opinion? You bet! but I've lived it and so I've earned the right to speak my opinion. If your end result doesn't look like a success to them, what does that mean for you?
My heart broke and I became surrounded by these thoughts. Thoughts about how we were all hoping for a little one to embrace. Thoughts about how, in the middle of all the timing and needles and negative tests that we all could probably use an embrace from our spouse. Thoughts about how our husbands may be looking for an embrace. Thoughts about how we need to embrace our faith or foundation or whatever you want to call it. Thoughts about how, if we aren't able to get pregnant, we may be envisioning the embrace of an adopted little one. Thoughts about how, if we aren't interested in adopting, that there are still children out there that need our embrace, whether they are friend's kids or children in the neighborhood who need a big sister or big brother. So many embraces, so many needs, so many families that need to be embraced in the size and shape they are now. Look around you and see the families who are going thru fertility treatments and remind them that they are awesome just as they are and that, perhaps, a pregnancy isn't the only version of success ahead of them. Ya know, if they are ready to hear that. I'm ready. Are you?
