We signed up for our last IUI and that was almost 2 weeks ago. Tuesday is day 28. I'm over this whole thing. I'm ready for a new direction. This has been 6yrs of struggle and growth and faith and prayers and being told that I just need to relax. Oh, oh, wait, better yet . . . just adopt and then you'll get pregnant. As if someone else's baby could be our fertility doll??? A word of advice, if you don't know what to say then don't say anything other than, "I'm sorry" or "I'll pray" or even a vehement "Well, that sucks!" I'll take all of those.
However, the growth has been a blessing. In this trip, which I knew long ago that I would take, God has truly brought my husband and I much closer to each other, and more importantly, to Him. Would I volunteer for this struggle? Goodness NO! However, as with every hard earned wisdom comes the hindsight to know that it's been, not only in His will, but in our best interests. Thru this we've become a team. We've become the "One" that was mentioned in our vows. The "One" that is mentioned in Genesis. "For they shall leave their parents and become as one" Gen 2:24. That is a precious and irreplaceable gift. If I don't have a swollen belly to caress than this is a more than acceptable option.
I must say, tho, that the fertility/medical field is a strange one when it comes to faith. Their faith is in themselves and what they can do. I have years of ugly interactions with Drs and nurses that this was not a new revelation. Still, when dealing with the prospect of a 'not so pleasent' ending you would assume that these Drs, these 'bringer of life', would want their patients to have some kind of foundation that would allow this whole process to not tear up their lives. These medical people tell me to relax and not think about it but then at all points I'm to stay in contact with them to make appointments on certain days and medicines on other days. How does that leave me a day to myself? Unless I had something else to anchor me what was stopping me from focusing all my thoughts and energy on my uterus and all our attempts. What's to keep me from feeling like an utter failure every time I had a Day 1. Seriously medical people? Do you want us infertile women so close to the brink of a break down that we only see you and what you can do for us and we aren't allowed to see just how full life is, with our without a pregnancy and baby? How is that in our best interest for the entirety of our life? Why do you stand in shock and speechless when I say that we trust God to be in charge of all this. Do you feel like I'm not giving you your "due"? That I don't have as much trust in your abilities as you do? Get over yourself. You are a seasonal presense in my life and I am quite aware of that.
So, instead of sitting back and watching the calendar and allowing myself to settle into a darkness (6yrs of TCC can suck the very joy out of your every day), I prayed and trusted that God would do what He thought best for us. My whole existence isn't my uterus or my menstrual cycle and it isn't my job or my house or my family. It's a combination of all those things and how God weaves them into my story. MY story! God has a purpose for all of us and He has given us our own set of talents and weaknesses. My purpose and my talents and, yes, my weaknesses. Do I know what they are? Some, not all. Do I know the path my life will take? Some but not all. Is it frustrating to not be able to see how things will turn out? Absolutely! But then I think of that Adam Sandler movie, "Click". If I can forget about how frustrating it is to not know every single moment that will happen in my life then there is so much joy in the journey.
To that end, at this moment I don't know what this cycle will bring. It's not finished yet. I do know that I am loved by my husband, my family, my friends and my God. Really, what more can I ask for?
