I live in an accountant's world. It means that a lot of life comes down to the bottom line. A "what have you done for me lately" kind of existance. I don't fare well here. Never have. Not just in the accountant's world but in the whole "I'm going to keep track and make sure that I have more than you" kind of crap. It's not in the better part of my nature. The dark side of my nature, the one I battle with and end up tuckering myself out over, that one knows this part of life very well.
I am an accountant and so I understand the bottom line but I really have a hard time with the whole, "we need to decimate the other person to prove we are better" that tends to go along with it. What's the point? Where is the value?
I had my final evaluation here at this job. Once again I walked out of the room feeling less than spectacular about myself. 5yrs here and this was the closest I've come to feeling the slightest bit encouraged by the comments. The funny part is that the comments didn't really match up with the numerical value they placed on me. The FUNNIER part is that this was the first year, when I did my self evaluation, that I told them how I feel I do here and didn't try to moderate my value by how I think they see me. I gave myself a 4 out of 5 over all. I think overall I got a 3.5 out of 5 from them. Their comments, however, showed that they thought more of me then what the numbers tell.
And isn't that so true in life . . .
Part of the reason for my rise in self evaluation was because I've got a new job in a few weeks and a new city to live in and loads of things that we have been praying for seem to be coming along now. It's amazing when someone else values you that you value more about yourself. For as old as I am and as much as my head understands the concept, it still amazes me how powerful that effect is. It's stunning and, as I can recently attest to, if not monitored closely can lead to some powerful undermining of one's self. It's crazy!
Let's see, how do I fail others in their eyes
I'll never be the daughter that doesn't make my mom feel like she failed (wait, that's a double whammy)
I'll never be the christian I'm supposed to be (but God loves me anyway so why does it matter to others?)
I'll never be the accountant who gets everything perfect (even the IRS can't agree on a single answer)
I'll never be the Proverbs 31 wife (nope, no funny remarks there)
Except I know that, for the most part, others are too busy with their own lives to worry too terribly much about how I've failed them. However, that's not how it feels in the pit of my chest, when it feels like I'm 15 again and not quite good enough. Too tall to be taken for a kid, not old enough to be taken seriously. I have to remind myself that when I was that age I would look up to people in their 30s and 40s and take them serious. I have to remind myself that most people don't see the internal lack of value I sense and just see me as some person standing in front of them. I do an ok job of shining it on . . . until the evaluations at work come around. They remind me that I don't make everyone happy and that I don't fit in around here. I have yet to figure out how to still shine them on when it's in black and white in front of me.
I'm working on it tho. It's times like these that I very much appreciate the encouragement I get from others. It helps remind me that those other people are not the only people in my life. They remind me that the value assigned by others is not the only value I have, if that's a value I actually have. Maybe it says more about them then about me.
