I am not thrilled that a lot of what I type here is not upbeat and as happy as I sometimes feel. Being in Virginia has been quite difficult for my husband and I. We don't understand the social settings around here and after getting "beaten up" in N. Virginia we made a retreat of sorts to the Virginia Beach area in hopes of happier times. By comparison, the hampton roads area is a better place than Washington DC or N Virginia. That I say with no sarcasm. It is better and calmer and less upsetting. Being big city people, my husband and I thought nothing of moving to the DC area. It's just a new big city. What's the problem?
HA!
Anyways, we got down here and found it to be more agreeable . . . for a time. Since approximately 2006, our time here has been a time of waiting. Waiting to see if we would get pregnant, waiting for a new job for me, waiting for a new career for Tom, waiting for Tom to finish his schooling, more waiting to see if we got pregnant, more waiting for new jobs and careers. Lots of waiting. Not my favorite past time but God uses this time to train us. I understand that. I'm not so great at waiting with joy but He's working on that with me, too. During the pregnancy waiting He honed my skills at accepting His will in our lives. I'm very grateful for that.
I think what makes it so hard to be overly happy here for me is that I am an eternal opptomist. I want to see the brighter side of things. I want to laugh and enjoy my time and what I find is that there is little room to be who I am around here. Loads of stereotypes and loads and assumptions and loads of being reminded of your place (my place around here is as a "yankee" and "outsider" and "weirdo from CA" depending on the situation). I enjoy being from MN. I enjoy having cut my adult teeth in So CA. I am who I am and I am who God is creating me to be. Not good enough for a lot of people around these parts. Which is too bad on so many levels. I keep getting told how much people enjoy spending time with me but then they don't spend time with me. By the time I get into a social setting I'm ready to bust and I have realized that I now just bust out in some sort of attempt to connect with someone, anyone and probably overwhelm some people. I just figured out that last part and will work on it. I want to encourage friends and not scare them away.
I digress . . . .
I am a happy person and it makes me sad that so many people I interact with on very shallow level seem to take it on as their personal mission to insure that their happiness is somehow my responsibility. That if I don't take that on as my personal mission then I am somehow depriving them of their happiness. Being here only encourages my struggles as a type A people pleaser. That is not healthy for me. It's been 10 long years of walking around on egg shells and it's time to move on. I find, tho, that when I start to encourage myself to BE myself that it alienates more people. So, either me and my happiness don't fit in around here or a ton of people in So CA have low standards in their friends. While the last part amuses me to put that in writing? I'm pretty sure it's the former. Which makes me sad.
However, if I'm supposed to be who God made me to be, maybe it's time I start being that person and stop trying to be who they want me to be around here. Now, who is that person? I have grown lots since I left CA but I suspect that I need to think back to CA to remember the person I was as a foundation of where to start. It was nice to have friends who wanted to spend time with me. I miss that. Even if being who God wants me to be means having no friends out here, well, so be it. God didn't promise an easy life, he actually promised troubles and strife. I am not of this world and so there will be troubles and strife. Having such a non-existant social life for almost 10yrs has been an incredible hardship. If I lose the social interaction of people who don't really want to be socially interactive with me, what have I truly lost? I've lost falseness. That will initially feel like a loss but it will actually be a gain in the long run.
So, wow, 10yrs back . . . . can I remember back that far? Oh yes, yes I can and here comes my smile. *happy sigh*
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Brain Mush
There is a saying in the accounting world: Everyone has to go thru public accounting. If you want your CPA, you will visit at least one firm in your career. Even if you arent interested in your CPA, it is very likely that you will cut your teeth in a public accounting firm. It's something we all get to do. If you've read any of my other posts you will already know that I have come to the conclusion that I do not fit into this world. I am not compatible on a personality level. I can match them for intensity and loyalty but since I refuse to make them my entire focus and blow off life outside of the office, well, you can see how that's going to work out. Still, it's the end of March and I have a whole other month ahead of me of tax season. The kids that think they have it hard, well, they started tax season 2 weeks after we did and they'll stop 2 weeks before we do. Those staff accountants have got nothing on those of us who do the bookkeeping and take care of the payroll. We are hard core.
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
We are hard core and I am exhausted. The staff are encouraged and given the opportunity to take weeks if not full months off to recoup from tax season. That is a luxury I am not afforded. I get lectured during my annual eval about how I don't take enough time off. However, when I do take time off then I get lectures on how this is so inconvenient for the partners. Plus, even if I wanted to take more than a week off at any one time, I have to time it around other people's payroll. I love what I do but it would be nice if there was a little more respect for the crud we put up with. We end up being babysitters almost as much as we are professional staff. It's kind of crazy.
This tax season started before I truly recouped from last year's tax season and the chaos that was 2010. 2010 was chaotic for many reasons, both personally and professionally. I am trying some new coping strategies but of course, in the heat of battle you tend to run back to your old faves to get you thru. They aren't working this year and the new skills aren't habits yet. In addition to the firm I work for, I, personally, am going thru transitions.
I find this tax season that I really am more prone to forgetfulness and a general *insert raspberry* attitude. I have dreams of severance packages because of the merger. I have dreams of driving away and never coming back. Well, for the night maybe because then I'd miss my husband and furball so much that I would be forced to come back to talk them into running away with me. I also have dreams of writing and dreams of baking. When I have my rare moments of joy thinking about those things my exhaustion comes in to dump cold water on my head.
It's hard to explain to someone who only knows the field from the outside. How do you explain that at this time of year my brain is full. Too many "to do" lists are roaming around my head and I can never keep track of them all. Too many people expecting that I have nothing better to do with my time but sit by the phone and wait for their next task. Too many ideas running thru my head, most of them fueled by fear and anxiety, that it's hard to remember if I brushed my teeth in the morning (if they feel fuzzy then I assume I haven't brushed them yet) or applied deodorant (a quick sniff test to make sure I smell my deodorant) or put my underwear on (I'll check that next time I go to the bathroom). When was my surgery? Thank the good Lord that their offices will call to remind you of those appts. Do I have enough medicine to get me thru the week? Praise the Lord that the pharmacy is on auto-fill otherwise my thyroid and colon would either shut down or explode, in that order. Did I just wash my hair or do I need to do that? Did I brush the cat? Did I kiss my husband goodbye? Did I bring my lunch? Do I need gas? Did I apply mascara? Did my car need a repair? Or was it my husband's truck? When was the last time I got my oil changed? How old are my tires? Can I find my parking pass? What floor do I park on? Do I have my building badge? Fill in the next several hours of similar type thinking about work related stuff . . . and then What's for dinner? Do I want a glass of milk to settle my tummy? Do I really want that ice cream sandwich? Do I have the energy to fix the cat her wet food? Will she care if I fix her the wet food? does my husband think I'm a failure as a wife for not having the energy to remember if I gave him a kiss when I got home? Once again, God is good because my husband doesn't think that or worry about it, he gives me a kiss when I get home so I don't have to ponder it too long. How did it get this late? What time do I need to get up? and on and on and on and it's a blessing that I learned YEARS ago to go to sleep despite my racing brain.
How do you explain to that outsiders? Hmmm, I wonder if I just did
*yawn*
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