For someone who can talk a blue streak, trying to get my thoughts in order to put them down on "paper" is a stumbling block. I'm an old school writer. I still remember having to crumple up the paper and start all over again because I thought my paper would look more grown up if I wrote it in ink! HA!! I would crumple up the latest attempt, sigh or grumble, feel the smoothness of the new sheet, poise my pen above the first line and freeze. I would then take a deep breath, let it out slowly and grab the crumpled sheet of paper, smooth it out and figure out where I could copy my thoughts from the original sheet before I had to make a correction. Call me old-school. I'm not keen on that title but people think I'm cool when I toss it around.
So, I have all these "brilliant" ideas rolling around my head and half finished thoughts and loads of people who laugh at my stories and it comes to me that perhaps I should put them down for my friends and family to enjoy. Then it dawns on me that typing isn't the same as rattling off funny antidotes.
The amuzing thing is that all this thinking about writing really struck a chord of fear in me and I couldn't figure it out. Just the idea of pressing the, "Start your blog" button caused all thoughts to stop in my head. Then I worked up the courage to press the start button (Praise the Lord that I still use a key to start my car!) and let the blog sit here for a couple of days. Blank. Disappointed. Rolling it's eyes at me. Ya know, that's a lot of pressure. I thought about why and tried not to use the easy way out. I come from a very talented family. Drawing, musical instruments, the ability to decorate a room in no time flat (truly an accomplishment in my eyes), pastors, missionaries, hollywood types. Then you have me. I knew I where I was going to college in the 11th grade. I took Accounting classes from the 10th grade. I have all these urges to be creative but childhood encouragement came few and far between so I learned to not bother trying. *insert canned sob story* Who's fault is that? Well, now it's my fault! I'm a big girl and all grown up and it's my fault that I've allowed those fears and thoughts to freeze my brain.
That also makes it my responsibility to try things that scare me. I'm not about to take up bungy jumping, let's not go crazy. But I've taken up cupcakes and widening my cooking skills. I'm allowing my husband to compliment me when I try new things, for some of us this is truly tear enducing. I love my accounting. I love numbers and making things fit. I also enjoy playing the piano and baking cupcakes and decorating them in crazy ways and going to Trader Joes and finding random new foods to try at home or seeing something on the TV and tinkering with the idea until I have my own creation. Sometimes I make foods that sound good but that I won't eat. For example, this week I tried stuffed peppers. I didn't eat the peppers but the stuffing was delicious!!! My hubby thought the whole thing was scrumcious!! During the summer I make a kick butt strawberry pie! It's a weight watchers recipe and no one has a clue that it's a "diet" recipe. I'm not keen on strawberries so I make it and bring it to church and let them gobble it up. I enjoy making homemade whipped cream and BBQ sauce. Those I do eat =) but not together . . . eeeewwwww!
All that to say that I want to write about my baking attempts and decorating ideas. I want to write about sitting at a desk in a public accounting firm surrounded by competitive egos, the moments of insanity that cause me to grind my teeth or belly laugh. I want to write about my family, to include my furball and our attempts to expand the size of our family. I want to write about our travels and our possible moves in the next few years. Above all I want to write about how there is the possibility of getting to the other side of chaos. There is a reality that shows me God's love for me and his desire to give me grace and mercy and to make sense of the craziness that can be my life. I only see today and the view of yesterday changes ever so slightly as I get older but tomorrow is waiting for me. Waiting with anticipation to show off what God has in store for me.
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